HELP WANTED – Nipple Attendent

May 3, 2012

As I reach what feels like my 15th month of gestation I feel decidedly more sorry for elephants. Those poor cows (not derogatory, they actually are actually  cows) carry a baby elephant for 24 long months and seriously, that shit’s gotta get to you. As uncomfortable as I currently I am, I know that my little one is also busting to stretch her legs. She’s been cramped in for a mega long haul flight and she’s pretty over it too. How do I know? Because her arms and legs are poking me in places I wouldn’t have thought imaginable in her attempt to get comfortable. At any given moment I feel as though there is a leg in my rectum and an elbow in my throat. I know it’s only a matter of hours before we go into the ring, but man, it’s been a long week.

Needless to say, I’m ready for lift-off. So, this week has seen me looking up a few natural ways to induce labour…..and I gotta say, sorting the fact from the fiction in this matter is fairly interesting and somewhat laughable.

Raspberry leaf tea, it is fairly innocuous, a nothing much flavoured tea, they aren’t entirely sure if it truly does kick start the process but it certainly can’t hurt and has been used by witches and pagans for centuries. It’s another good source of liquid (like I need to pee more) so I’m doing it. Then things start getting interesting with the humble pineapple. Rumour has it that the enzyme bromelain present in pineapples may actually induce the big push….there is a catch though. You need to consume about 7 pineapple’s worth. Now, I love me bit of apple from the pine, but I dare say that 7 of the suckers would probably induce the squirts if nothing else. Then, imagine if I did actually go into labour? Seriously, that is not a pretty thought. Especially, if I had already taken heed of the ‘eat a hot curry’ wive’s tale. This is simply getting diabolical for Mister H. He’s down with the birthing process, but hell, that would leave no mystery, and probably permanent stains.

We have acupuncture options, and of course, sex is known to get the ball rolling if you’ll pardon the pun, but a suggestion I find quite intriguing is nipple stimulation. Apparently, rubbing and rolling your nipples can stimulate oxytocin which is the hormone that does the job in this matter. It simulates the suckling of your newborn – however, you must do it quite a lot. Like, A LOT, a lot. Now, I’m a little busy getting all of my last minute preparations ready and I really can’t see myself strolling through the shopping centre pushing my trolley with one hand and tweaking my nips with the other (however will I hold my pineapples?). I do not have idle hands at the ready to help me with this one but it certainly sounds more plausible than the pineapples – perhaps I should consider hiring help? Not sure how I’d word that ad in the St George Courier.

If you’ve tried all of these methods and still, no movement at the station there are a few last ditch efforts that can be made. One that would certainly make D Man very happy, although I find it very hard to hide my scepticism on the effectiveness of this one, is….wait for it……blowing up balloons. Are you kidding me? Apparently not. It is rumoured that the build up of abdominal pressure can induce labour. Do you know how much abdominal pressure I’m already experiencing? I feel like the friggin’ Hindenburg with fiery, gas emissions to boot.

I guess I’m back to the drawing board and in for the ol’ fashioned wait….I suppose while I’m waiting I could have a cup of raspberry tea and a slice of pineapple. I do have a balloon in the cupboard. I’ll just give it a shot. Where are those nipples?

PS Painting your toenails whilst nursing a watermelon in your lap ain’t easy…….

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  • Reply Ali Hodges May 4, 2012 at 4:18 am

    Crying of laughter xxx

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys May 4, 2012 at 4:57 am

      It’s not funny!!! Next door has a trampoline, might see what they’re up to this afternoon. I bought a pineapple, too. Just one- just in case…. Xxx

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