I recently promised one of my readers some action/adventure as I was a little stuck in the mummy blog rut. How much childbirth and boob stuff can you really blab on about? You want adventure? You want action?
Try cleaning your kids teeth. That’s friggin’ action.
There are high speed chases that occassionally end in collisions and people flying through the air, there’s explosive language, and even sporadic nudity, his, mine, both – anything goes.
I often think that I would have more luck cleaning Mister Fluffy Pants’ (yeah, that’s my cat’s name – what of it???) teeth than I do D Man’s, although, I would no doubt end up with slightly clawed forearms. I somehow feel that the overall trauma would be somewhat less. Of course, I would have to buy the cat his own toothbrush as sharing one with your cat would be weird……as it stands, I’m stuck attempting to clean a very uncooperative toddler’s teeth with varying degrees of NO success.
I googled for some technique tips and read of one woman who grabs her tortured kid in a head lock but that seems altogether a tad ballistic, especially when you take into consideration that this round of teeth with fall out eventually anyway, so perhaps World Wrestling Federation tactics are not the way forward? Surely, it will only cause negative associations with teeth cleaning, or a pro-wrestler with dazzlingly sparkly chompers who enters the ring with a Dora the Explorer toothbrush?
It’s highly recommended to brush your toddler’s teeth twice a day, and to clean each tooth thoroughly, including the backs…… INCLUDING THE BACKS???. How the hell are you supposed to get the backs, twice a day? I’m working on the theory that if I clean each tooth in his head once a week, we’re doing ok. I’d love it if D Man was compliant, with a flip top head for easy access, but he’s usually hopping about, grabbing at the toothbrush and anything else within arms reach (contact solution, hand soap, toilet roll, which, FYI, is never the same once it’s landed under a running tap).
I also really loved the handy tip about turning the entire tooth cleaning experience into a game. Obviously, D Man got that memo before I did because he’s turned it into an awesome game of Catch Me If You Can, Loser.
I’ve got a little system going on. Basically, I squirt toothpaste on a little Ben 10 electric toothbrush, whilst weilding a mini-mouth manual brush in my other hand. When he opens his mouth to suck the toothpaste off the one he’s holding (whichever one takes his fancy on the day) I lever the remaining brush into his gob and brush as swiftly as I can. He’s bites it, he blows raspberries, then he manically shakes his head from side to side like he’s front row at a Nirvana concert and then he bolts.
I’ve given up chasing him and decided that we can try again in the evening. Not becuase I don’t care about his oral hygene, I just know that this will not be the only battle of the day and I need to conserve my battle strategies.
The experts, who hand out advice on this matter, also recommend no lollies. They stick to the teeth and the sugar has a little party that boogies on down in baby teeth. We rarely give him any lollies so that’s under control, but they also mention that dried fruit is the root of all dental sin, as it’s as full of sugar and sticky as a lolly and attaches it’s sticky goodness to tiny teeth and creates oral havoc….. Oh….. I see. We eat sultanas and dried apricots all the time, am I doing something bad??? Dang. I love dried apricots. He loves dried apricots. I think that this pearly set of milk teeth may be in big trouble.
Thankfully, we need not worry too greatly, as he’ll get a whole new Hollywood smile by the time he’s 10 or so (guessing, no idea) because I really do need to conserve my energy for more dramatic action/adventure scenes.
NB I would have dearly loved to post a picture of D Man and Fluffy Pants, but to say their relationship is precarious is an understatement. D Man loves Pants. He wants to pat him, rub his nose in his fur, and have tea parties with him. Pants hates D Man and wishes he was never born. I hate those one sided relationships.