On the hunt for the missing mojo I thought I’d turn to a little literature to get help me get my game on.
50 Shades of Grey had nothing. The whole deal was so implausible and poorly written it was like the Bold and The Beautiful had taken steroids.
Barely raised a tickle in my knicks, so when I saw this little pink, pocket-sized beauty I thought it was sure thing…..
Hell, there is even a bottle of tincture called Climax on the cover. Who wouldn’t like a hip flask of that in their handbag?
But then I realised she was a tad behind the times…..
Obviously, no one ever has sex on their wedding night these days, as everybody has drunk their bodyweight in champagne and danced until 3 am……and as for the ‘first time’ bit, well, not even my Grandpa would have fallen for that, what with my six-month old sitting on my knee at the bridal table.
Sex every day? Who wouldn’t want that, right?
Sex is awesome and fun and messy in a much more fun way than the rest of your day. Why wouldn’t you want to do that all the time?
Abnormal positions? Between the ancient Karma Sutra, that requires all participants to be yogis, and the accessibility of porn these days, haven’t we all seen everything before?
What exactly is an abnormal position? At the washing line? Don’t reckon I’ve seen that one.
MOUTHING EACH OTHER’S VILE BODIES?
Whoa, Mama!! That actually sounds kinda hot…..
Alas, a mere few more pages in and I realized I’d been duped. Dear old Ruthie baby was nothing but a trumped-up prude, God rest her soul.
I don’t need that advice, Ruth. That’s what I’m trying to shake, sugar.
I was tut-tutting her uptight ways and then I realised perhaps this was closer to the bone than I dare admit.
Didn’t mean to let it side, but I’ve been a little pre-occupied.
Oh dear. If I started nagging much earlier, what then? Hypothetically speaking, of course.
Mrs Smythers recommends you talk about mundane household matters at this point. Wouldn’t that enhance sleep?
‘Honey, the bathroom tap washers really need a …………zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz’
‘Babes, next time you mow the lawn, could you please………snooooooooooore’
Anyway you can see that the woman is clearly not going to be giving me mojo enhancements I was looking for, but the piece de resistance was on the last page…….check it out.
It’s not about the writing, it’s about the image……
Seriously, WTF is that?
Dear Mrs Reverend Smythers, thank you for allowing me to reproduce pages of your book for my blog as I really feel that this would be highly educational for my readers. It certainly makes me feel better about myself. It reinforces that I’m neither a prude nor a good Methodist.
If anyone knows what that implement is, please, enlighten me. Any guesses?