I have a theory about sex.
My theory is that the more bonking you do, the less annoying your partner is (you really ought to be bonking your partner for best effect). Sex is the thread that binds you to each other and without it, you can become unravelled.
When I spoke with sex therapist, Isiah McKimmie, from Passionate Spirit I thought I’d hit her with my theory straight off the bat to see if I was on the money.
She agreed heartily. I decided I liked her.
Isiah went on to say that when your sex life is working well, your entire relationship can change, and therefore your entire lives can change.
I may have mentioned once or twice that my mojo has been somewhat lacking since I gave up sleep, so when the opportunity arose for me to interview a sex therapist over a cup of tea, I jumped at the chance.
Is it lingerie, sex toys, 50 Shades of Grey or oysters that I need?
Nope. It’s way more simple than that.
Although the road to a banging sex life is not a short one (Isiah offers courses to couples, as opposed to one off visits), what we discussed was certainly not rocket science.
The first thing that a therapist would look at is your relationship to yourself.
How do you feel about your body?
How satisfied are you with your life?
Do you still feel like sexy you, or are you now only a wife and a mother?
One of the most obvious things is our confidence about our body after all of the changes it undergoes throughout pregnancy and childbirth. We may not feel that we can take the time to get ourselves back into the shape we were previously. It is natural that your body changes somewhat, but if your self esteem takes a battering in the process, it may be as simple as finding time to exercise.
Taking the time away from family can often cause guilt, but it’s really essential for mental health. The time you take away from your family can actually make you a better wife and mother…. and your mojo may just be a Zumba class away.
The second major area to look at is your communication with your partner.
How do you communicate about general issues? This will certainly affect the way you can communicate about sex.
Being able to communicate freely with our partners is terribly important. Some people NEVER tell their partner that a particular thing turns them on, or more importantly, turns them off, or irritates their sensitive, pink bits.
Isiah said something so poignant to this –
If you can’t communicate well in the bedroom, you probably aren’t communicating well out of it.
Aaah. Not rocket science.
Our sex lives are so personal, and people feel a great sense of embarrassment and shame about it. This embarrassment is something we may have been taught as teens when we’re curious about stuff and wanking like chimpanzees. You’ll go blind, grow hair on your palms, or nice girls simply don’t do those things.
Sex is natural.
Our bodies are ours to explore and enjoy.
There is no shame in pleasure.
The clitoris is the only part of the human body solely for pleasure. It has no greater function than to give sweet sensation. I think it was the Universe’s consolation prize for periods.
If you’re silently turning your back on your partner thinking ‘No way, buddy, I’m exhausted and my bikini line resembles Macy Gray’s afro’, perhaps your partner only hears ‘I’m not attracted to you anymore’…..and that’s just the tip of the communication iceberg.
Also, we need to try to lighten up about it. If it’s become the elephant in the room then everyone starts getting anxious and feeling rejected.
One of the hardest things when you have little people in the house is time. I mentioned to Isiah that between training, children and general exhaustion, Mister H and I have one perfect time for rumpy. That sweet moment only occurs twice in a week, and then if the planets don’t align correctly, it can be week before that magic moment rolls around again.
I suggested that scheduling sex was incredibly unsexy.
Not as unsexy as never having sex, Isiah replied.
Mmmmmm hmmmmm. I see her point.
Also, a quickie has its place, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re only having occasional quickies it’s no wonder your mojo is lacking. Biologically, it take 20 minutes for a woman’s body to warm up.
We all know that we are slower than men and require a tad more romancing and finessing in all the right places, but being ready for the main event is not as simple as getting lubed up.
It actually takes 20 minutes for your uterus to contract and get out of the way, so the penis doesn’t bash its insistent head against your sensitive lady bits. This is particularly the case shortly after giving birth as the uterus is often sitting a little lower in the chamber.
Did you know that? I didn’t, and I thought I knew it all.
If you think you don’t have enough time in the day for langorous loving touch, try turning off the television a couple of times a week. After dinner, instead of retiring to the lounge, turn off the tv, the computers and the iphones, and spend time together.
NEWS FLASH : watching tv together is not spending quality time together.
You could start by giving each other a massage. Not a ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ massage but perhaps you could start reacquainting yourselves with a no strings attached massage, without a happy ending? Hell, if you feel like throwing a leg over then climb aboard, but if sex has become the elephant under the bed, perhaps you need to take it off the table (not the dining room table. I mean, no sex) for a bit.
If you agree that you’re not going to do it for a few weeks, it can alleviate the guilt you may feel from not wanting to. It doesn’t mean you have an affection stand-off, you do other stuff.
Fun stuff. Sexy stuff. Loving stuff.
Remember when you first got together and you’d pash like teenagers on the loungeroom floor? When was the last time you had pash rash? Or dry humped till you came in your pants?
That stuff was exciting, so maybe it’s time to strip back your sex life?
Get back to the fun stuff.
Isiah and I talked a lot about wanking, on your own, together, whatever takes your fancy. It goes to reason that after you give birth perhaps your body feels different, likes different things. If you don’t explore your own body, how can you guide someone around?
Hell, we don’t strike out across town without Google mapping first, so why not chart this territory, too?
I was shocked when Isiah told me that 30% of women have difficulty (or never) orgasm. Some of her adult clients don’t know where their clitoris is. You can bet your bottom dollar that if they don’t know that, they probably don’t know about other erogenous zones, like that crazy little spot behind their knee, their armpit or the back of their neck.
You need to take the time to explore not just your lady bits, but your whole body, and it’s way more fun if you do it with your partner.
There is more sex than ever available to us, whether it’s erotica, porn, toys, or whatever that floats your boat. There is still so much guilt associated with exploring our own sexuality, why?
Why the shame?
If you’re a bit weirded out by the idea of a sex therapist, Passionate Spirit has a subscription based website with loads of information and techniques if you think maybe you need a little helping hand getting your love life back on track.
Maybe it’s as simple as simply getting back on the horse and doing it? Reawakening your sexual self.
If not, and you feel like your relationship needs a little help getting it’s mojo back, maybe you could consider sex therapy?
If your car isn’t working properly, you take it to a mechanic, right?
At the conclusion of our fascinating chat, Isiah told me she had a spare media pass to Sexpo if I wanted it……well, I thought, maybe a little research would be good.
Stay tuned for the Sexpo wrap-up. Holy dooly. I thought nothing could surprise me.
This post is not a sponsored post. I received no payment from Passionate Spirit. I just love talking about sex.
Check out Passionate Spirit’s Facebook page if you want a little mojo in your newsfeed.
Did you find this as fascinating as I did?
Can you talk about your mojo or are you a little shy?
If you know anyone that may benefit from this post, share it with them, and let’s get that elephant out in the open!
Hooking up with FYBF at With Some Grace so everyone can read about mojo rising. Check out what everyone else is flogging.