My head

Mrs H talks with a sex therapist….How to regain your mojo.

March 29, 2013

intimacy

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I have a theory about sex.

My theory is that the more bonking you do, the less annoying your partner is (you really ought to be bonking your partner for best effect). Sex is the thread that binds you to each other and without it, you can become unravelled.

When I spoke with sex therapist, Isiah McKimmie, from Passionate Spirit I thought I’d hit her with my theory straight off the bat to see if I was on the money.

She agreed heartily. I decided I liked her.

Isiah went on to say that when your sex life is working well, your entire relationship can change, and therefore your entire lives can change.

I may have mentioned once or twice that my mojo has been somewhat lacking since I gave up sleep, so when the opportunity arose for me to interview a sex therapist over a cup of tea, I jumped at the chance.

Is it lingerie, sex toys, 50 Shades of Grey or oysters that I need?

Nope. It’s way more simple than that.

Although the road to a banging sex life is not a short one (Isiah offers courses to couples, as opposed to one off visits), what we discussed was certainly not rocket science.

The first thing that a therapist would look at is your relationship to yourself.

How do you feel about your body?

How satisfied are you with your life?

Do you still feel like sexy you, or are you now only a wife and a mother?

One of the most obvious things is our confidence about our body after all of the changes it undergoes throughout pregnancy and childbirth. We may not feel that we can take the time to get ourselves back into the shape we were previously. It is natural that your body changes somewhat, but if your self esteem takes a battering in the process, it may be as simple as finding time to exercise.

Taking the time away from family can often cause guilt, but it’s really essential for mental health. The time you take away from your family can actually make you a better wife and mother…. and your mojo may just be a Zumba class away.

The second major area to look at is your communication with your partner.

How do you communicate about general issues? This will certainly affect the way you can communicate about sex.

Being able to communicate freely with our partners is terribly important. Some people NEVER tell their partner that a particular thing turns them on, or more importantly, turns them off, or irritates their sensitive, pink bits.

Really?

Isiah said something so poignant to this –

If you can’t communicate well in the bedroom, you probably aren’t communicating well out of it.

Aaah. Not rocket science.

Our sex lives are so personal, and people feel a great sense of embarrassment and shame about it. This embarrassment is something we may have been taught as teens when we’re curious about stuff and wanking like chimpanzees. You’ll go blind, grow hair on your palms, or nice girls simply don’t do those things.

Sex is natural.

Our bodies are ours to explore and enjoy.

There is no shame in pleasure.

The clitoris is the only part of the human body solely for pleasure. It has no greater function than to give sweet sensation. I think it was the Universe’s consolation prize for periods.

If you’re silently turning your back on your partner thinking ‘No way, buddy, I’m exhausted and my bikini line resembles Macy Gray’s afro’, perhaps your partner only hears ‘I’m not attracted to you anymore’…..and that’s just the tip of the communication iceberg.

Also, we need to try to lighten up about it. If it’s become the elephant in the room then everyone starts getting anxious and feeling rejected.

One of the hardest things when you have little people in the house is time. I mentioned to Isiah that between training, children and general exhaustion, Mister H and I have one perfect time for rumpy. That sweet moment only occurs twice in a week, and then if the planets don’t align correctly, it can be week before that magic moment rolls around again.

I suggested that scheduling sex was incredibly unsexy.

Not as unsexy as never having sex, Isiah replied.

Mmmmmm hmmmmm. I see her point.

Also, a quickie has its place, don’t get me wrong, but if you’re only having occasional quickies it’s no wonder your mojo is lacking. Biologically, it take 20 minutes for a woman’s body to warm up.

We all know that we are slower than men and require a tad more romancing and finessing in all the right places, but being ready for the main event is not as simple as getting lubed up.

It actually takes 20 minutes for your uterus to contract and get out of the way, so the penis doesn’t bash its insistent head against your sensitive lady bits. This is particularly the case shortly after giving birth as the uterus is often sitting a little lower in the chamber.

Did you know that? I didn’t, and I thought I knew it all.

If you think you don’t have enough time in the day for langorous loving touch, try turning off the television a couple of times a week. After dinner, instead of retiring to the lounge, turn off the tv, the computers and the iphones, and spend time together.

NEWS FLASH : watching tv together is not spending quality time together.

You could start by giving each other a massage. Not a ‘nudge nudge wink wink’ massage but perhaps you could start reacquainting yourselves with a no strings attached massage, without a happy ending? Hell, if you feel like throwing a leg over then climb aboard, but if sex has become the elephant under the bed, perhaps you need to take it off the table (not the dining room table. I mean, no sex) for a bit.

If you agree that you’re not going to do it for a few weeks, it can alleviate the guilt you may feel from not wanting to. It doesn’t mean you have an affection stand-off, you do other stuff.

Fun stuff. Sexy stuff. Loving stuff.

Remember when you first got together and you’d pash like teenagers on the loungeroom floor? When was the last time you had pash rash? Or dry humped till you came in your pants?

That stuff was exciting, so maybe it’s time to strip back your sex life?

Get back to the fun stuff.

Isiah and I talked a lot about wanking, on your own, together, whatever takes your fancy. It goes to reason that after you give birth perhaps your body feels different, likes different things. If you don’t explore your own body, how can you guide someone around?

Hell, we don’t strike out across town without Google mapping first, so why not chart this territory, too?

I was shocked when Isiah told me that 30% of women have difficulty (or never) orgasm. Some of her adult clients don’t know where their clitoris is. You can bet your bottom dollar that if they don’t know that, they probably don’t know about other erogenous zones, like that crazy little spot behind their knee, their armpit or the back of their neck.

You need to take the time to explore not just your lady bits, but your whole body, and it’s way more fun if you do it with your partner.

There is more sex than ever available to us, whether it’s erotica, porn, toys, or whatever that floats your boat. There is still so much guilt associated with exploring our own sexuality, why?

Why the shame?

If you’re a bit weirded out by the idea of a sex therapist, Passionate Spirit has a subscription based website with loads of information and techniques if you think maybe you need a little helping hand getting your love life back on track.

Maybe it’s as simple as simply getting back on the horse and doing it? Reawakening your sexual self.

If not, and you feel like your relationship needs a little help getting it’s mojo back, maybe you could consider sex therapy?
If your car isn’t working properly, you take it to a mechanic, right?

At the conclusion of our fascinating chat, Isiah told me she had a spare media pass to Sexpo if I wanted it……well, I thought, maybe a little research would be good.

Stay tuned for the Sexpo wrap-up. Holy dooly. I thought nothing could surprise me.

This post is not a sponsored post. I received no payment from Passionate Spirit. I just love talking about sex.

Check out Passionate Spirit’s Facebook page if you want a little mojo in your newsfeed.

Did you find this as fascinating as I did?

Can you talk about your mojo or are you a little shy?

If you know anyone that may benefit from this post, share it with them, and let’s get that elephant out in the open!

Hooking up with FYBF at With Some Grace so everyone can read about mojo rising. Check out what everyone else is flogging.


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40 Comments

  • Reply faydanamyjake March 29, 2013 at 7:36 am

    Great post, yes sex is relationship glue no question.

  • Reply rabidlittlehippy March 29, 2013 at 7:42 am

    Great post and thanks.

  • Reply Vicki @ Knocked Up & Abroad March 29, 2013 at 7:57 am

    Enjoyed this post. Thanks for getting me thinking about it. Sex post baby (or the lack of it) is something I find very difficult to talk openly and honestly about around others.

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys March 29, 2013 at 8:03 am

      I was shy about it too and then I found out I wasn’t alone.
      Pleased you found this as food for thought. Hope it helps!

  • Reply Cooker and a Looker March 29, 2013 at 8:25 am

    20 minutes? Why doesn’t the baby nurse tell you THAT in between roughly handling your boobs and squeezing your nipples?

  • Reply becc03 March 29, 2013 at 8:35 am

    20 minutes to heat up, I never knew that.
    This was fascinating. It is also interesting to know that other couples are experiencing similar circumstances or are worse off than you – even better!
    It will be very hard to turn the TV off after a big day though, very hard indeed 🙂
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

  • Reply Kim March 29, 2013 at 9:01 am

    Somebody needs to have a stern talking to the uterus – 20 minutes! Catch UP! What a great post – it’s a tricky area in relationships, particularly when everyday communications get stripped back to logistical stuff.

  • Reply Carla March 29, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Scheduling sex….unfortunately sometimes a necessity.

  • Reply Mrs D March 29, 2013 at 7:46 pm

    You have excelled yourself on this Mrs H – it has resonated with me & weren’t I not on my phone I’d type a fucking essay! Love your raw honesty chick xxx

  • Reply always josefa (@always_josefa) March 29, 2013 at 9:16 pm

    20 minutes – really?! Great post – now do we casually leave the iPad out for our partners to read this? Xx

  • Reply thetruthaboutmomsandblogs March 30, 2013 at 8:33 am

    The clitoris is a consolation prize for periods. LOVE IT

  • Reply thetruthaboutmomsandblogs March 30, 2013 at 8:36 am

    Reblogged this on The Truth About Moms and Blogs and commented:
    Reflecting on ” the deed” Fun times

  • Reply Sarah March 30, 2013 at 5:33 pm

    Love this post. Needed this post!

  • Reply coloursofsunset March 31, 2013 at 4:43 pm

    If you’re too embarrassed to talk about it, try getting rip roaring drunk and THEN talking about it! It removes some of those inhibitions. I don’t recommend getting rip roaring drunk and then just trying to do it though, sober O’s are sOOOO much better!

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys March 31, 2013 at 4:52 pm

      You’re so right, and so funny!!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 31/03/2013, at 4:43 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  • Reply Grace April 1, 2013 at 3:31 pm

    I thought it was just ME being completely high maintenance and needing my fore play! So 20 minutes to “warm up” makes plenty sense!!!
    Loved this post, Mrs H! While I’m not completely shy when it comes to talking about my mojo…not sure if I’m brave enough to write about it on the internet. Maybe little snippets here and there. But I’m sure loving how this post has let that elephant out in the room!

  • Reply Have a laugh on me April 1, 2013 at 3:38 pm

    Good you Mrs H for getting this out in the open! And I have no qualms speaking about sex – without you might as well just be flatmates that have to raise children together and help around the house 🙂 It’s the best free thing in the world I erection – i mean reckon!

  • Reply Valerie April 2, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Such a great post! It’s very true that the relationship can thrive with a good sex life, and faulter without one!

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 2, 2013 at 7:51 am

      ….and it’s kinda fun, to boot!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 02/04/2013, at 7:12 AM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

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  • Reply Lani July 31, 2013 at 4:46 pm

    I’m one of those 30% and it’s nice to hear there’s such a big number of us… I had no idea. In fact, until I read that comforting statistic, I was cringing through your article (nothing against you personally of course!) as all the endless articles about sex making you feel so much better/relaxing/bringing you closer to your partner etc just serves to make me feel really bad about myself. It’s so easy and natural for other people so what’s wrong with me?

    I will look into this Passionate Spirit thing and see if my partner and I can maybe do some counselling together. I know I will cry. It’s hard not to see these things as a personal failing!

    Thanks for a great article x

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 31, 2013 at 5:54 pm

      My dear girl, your comment touched me so!
      It’s all within the realms if normal, and you can totally come back from the big freeze.
      Trust me! Best of luck. Give Isiah a call. She’s just lovely. Have fun getting back in the saddle 😉

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    Thanks for finally talking about >Mrs H talks with a sex therapist….How to regain your mojo.

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