April 10, 2013

Three years ago, after 22 long hours, I held my son in my arms, and in that moment my entire life changed forever.

I have always wanted children and known they were in my future and I couldn’t wait to hold him, even before I was pregnant, my arms longed for him.

Even though I had this longing, I don’t know if I was fully prepared for what it actually means. I mean, you know about the serious lack of sleep heading your way, but nothing really prepares you for the endless months of sleep deprivation.
You realise that, unlike a horse or cow, a baby human is completely dependent on you for years, leaving you little space to be you anymore.
You become a new you. Most of the time it is fine, but sometimes I pine for the old me.
My spontaneity has gone. I have become kinda o.l.d.

Today was my big boy’s third birthday. I have such nostalgia today but it’s not for him. It’s for me. My life.

Maybe something has inherently happened at Terrible Twos has given way to Fucking Awful Threes, but the last few weeks I’ve felt like perhaps I’m not quite as equipped for this job as I first thought.

Yesterday I fantasised about going for a walk. On my own. And not stopping…… I imagined the whole scenario.

I’d drop the kids to the neighbours so they’d be safe until Mister H came home and by then I’d have just disappeared. I have always had a sense of the dramatic.
I used to think the missing persons people had met with foul play, but maybe some of them were just tired of picking up after everyone and being pierced with shrill syllables.

I don’t really want to disappear.

It was just a fantasy. Sometimes I fantasise I’m on The Voice too.

I just thought maybe out there on my walk I wouldn’t feel so torn in pieces. Trying to fulfil everyone’s whims is a fuller than full time job but my time card doesn’t get any extra hours.

There is a new tone in Mister Three’s repertoire that pierces my brain and I can’t reason with him. The Super Nanny would shake her head at me, but I really don’t know how to parent this new person in my house.

I love him with my whole, entire being, but he is grinding me down.

I also wasn’t prepared for what children would do to my relationship.

Three years ago my boyfriend became my baby daddy, and something changed in that. Now instead of nights dining and drinking, we play musical beds until the sun comes up and then he’s gone at dawn for the day and it’s me left. I miss my boyfriend. He’s become kinda o.l.d. too.

My friend’s husband said the problem with us girls is that we have too much time on our hands to think and internalise our feelings, and that perhaps in this time we focus too much on the negative stuff.

He makes a valid point. The hours and days of child rearing are so long, it’s easy for your thoughts to turn sour and begin picking at yourself like a crazy bird picks it’s feathers.

Maybe it is as simple as choosing happiness… and wearing earplugs so I can’t hear the whinging.

I am nostalgic, this evening. As my baby turns three.

On another note, I ate a lot of chocolate cupcakes today….. didn’t help the blues but shit they were yummy.

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  • Reply Cassandra Howell April 10, 2013 at 11:01 pm

    So much to look forward to! Another mother said to me today that the days go slow but the years go quick, so when the little one is grinding you into the ground, do what I do – take a deep breath then leave the room and scream into a pillow! Ah, sweet release!!!

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 11, 2013 at 6:44 am

      That is so true. Imagine if that pillow was like a whoopee cushion and a guest sat on it one day. That’s funny!

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 10/04/2013, at 11:01 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  • Reply Bunny Eats Design April 10, 2013 at 11:29 pm

    No good Mama is immune to self doubt. Generally, girls DO like to think about their feelings. We think so much that we create new problems from nothing. I am glad for boys (and honey badgers) to help us keep perspective.

  • Reply Sarah April 11, 2013 at 3:58 am

    Three years old is hard, I won’t lie. Has nothing on the twos and I wished someone had warned me about it. Also having two children is hard too which no one warned me about either!
    You need time to yourself. Even if its just half an hour to go for that walk alone or a coffee at a cafe quietly people watching. Not quiet time in the house with the little ones asleep as you are still responsible. You need that freedom just to worry about yourself only for that time. It’s not the greatest solve to saving your sanity but its a start.
    And on the relationship front. Remember to find time to laugh every day together no matter how immature the laugh is about- those are the best laughs anyway. That connection for that moment feels great and lifts your spirits up for a while. And it won’t always be like this, the feel of being all encompassed with the life of your children does pass…..eventually!
    Chin up. It’s probably no comfort but we’ve all been there or are still there. Sucks but all you can do is solider on, drink wine and hopefully no one gets hurt in the process.

  • Reply Roelien April 11, 2013 at 4:01 am

    Don’t lèt them grind you down! Haha, look who is talking. In time you will! know how to get your time and your feelings back. It’s like you live in a new room with loads of new stuff which need loving and patient order (especially to your new inner selfstuff). You are significant different from then, the days before….
    Girls on a rice field have loads of thinking time and as far as I can imagine they meditate in it. Does your friend’s husband really think girls need their brains or deep concentration for that work? No, other stuff will go round those heads 😉

  • Reply larva225 April 11, 2013 at 4:53 am

    Oh wow can I relate!! I, too, feel as if I’ve lost myself completely. I feel o.l.d., particularly as I’ll be turning 40 in a matter of months. My husband doesn’t help. He’s in the “what about me?” phase, wanting attention, sex, coddling, and did I mention sex? I’m up nursing an 8 week old, and our 2.5 year old daughter still doesn’t sleep. Just know you’re not alone!

  • Reply Belinda Galbraith April 11, 2013 at 11:21 am

    I’m hearing you too! I actually wrote a very similar blog post the other day as my daughter is about to turn 4 and I’m wondering…who am I and how can I get back to being the old me who had a carefree life with her boyfriend?
    Ah but you wouldn’t trade the little cherubs for quids though would you?!

  • Reply Vanessa Beattie (@BabblingBandit) April 11, 2013 at 1:16 pm

    Like it was said above, no one warned me either about the threes. My son at three was so much worse than two! I went back to seeing my therapist more often and spent most of my sessions talking about Ned and how to handle him! He was so willful and naughty and that look he got in his eye, whoa! I felt like I didn’t know him at all. I’m an attachment parenter and I must say that time challenged me more than any other stage so far.

    Now my son is nearing on four and a half and he is so much easier. He actually got through that shitty phase by the time he was four and was able to express himself a lot better. I’m a single mum with only one kid so I’m sure that makes a difference in that my son doesn’t have to compete for attention with any siblings or even father or a boyfriend of mine (because I don’t have one!). My hat goes off to mums who have multiple kids and a husband to look after!

    My motto is “this too shall pass”. My sister who has a 15 month old says “it’s only a phase, it’s only a phase, it’s only a phase” over and over whenever her bub is going through a bad patch. Somehow it helps!

    Here’s to the next good phase!

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 11, 2013 at 1:21 pm

      I take my hat off to you, Mama. It sounds like you’re doing an amazing job. I know that look in the eye, and it certainly is a challenge.

      Here’s to the next phase!

  • Reply Kate April 11, 2013 at 9:08 pm

    Had one of those mornings this morning with Mr almost 3, I just kept thinking about your ice pick or toddler question. I was hoping an ice pick would fall from the sky.
    It didn’t.
    We all survived until bedtime. (Except the chocolate)

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 11, 2013 at 9:43 pm

      That’s funny. Trying to will an ice pick from the sky!

      Murdered the chocolate. Grand choice.

      Sent from my iPhone

      On 11/04/2013, at 9:08 PM, Keeping Up With The Holsbys

  • Reply Adrianne April 12, 2013 at 1:51 am

    I’m officially terrified of three! My daughter just turned 19 months and some days I can’t handle all of the whining and clinging. But all I keep reading from blogs and parents everywhere is that three is awful. I’m scared.

    Hope today goes (or went since I believe you are on the other side of the planet!) better! Happy Birthday to your little man:)

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys April 12, 2013 at 6:41 am

      Can you believe the following day he was an absolute dream.
      I think he read my blog and got the guilts!
      Don’t be scared. With three comes greater communication, more fun together, and heaps of good bits too.
      And it gets you in practice for 4,5 and 6!!!

  • Reply Cooker and a Looker April 12, 2013 at 6:42 am

    Sounds like we’re having similar weeks Mrs Holsby. You have my empathy – two is nothing, three is the pits!

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