There are many things in this world that I find interesting, and this l’il ol’ blog here is my opportunity to share these things that tickle my brain.
If anything that interests me offends your sensibilities, I apologise, but remember that this world is full of interesting things, and it hurts not to have a greater understanding of what makes our fellow (wo)men tick.
The worldwide phenomenon that is 50 Shades of Grey is certainly not famous because it is a literary masterpiece. It has swept the world by storm because it touches on a world that most of us are unfamiliar with. A world of sexual domination and submission (not to mention awkward virgins being picked up by mysterious millionaires). A dark world of whips and chains, and nipple cripples, leading their recipients to mind blowing orgasms.
I mentioned recently that when I went to Sexpo I found someone fascinating. We chatted briefly and I discovered that Kim is a consensual slave, who lives with, and is married to, her Master. Kim does not generally refer to Master by name, as is their arrangement.
She serves his meals first, sits on the floor at his feet, and asks permission to take a pee.
Although she is married to her Master in the traditional sense, this ceremony was mostly for legal purposes, and their union as Master/slave (big M, little s) known as collaring, is one that she cherishes most of all.
I was entranced by Kim’s love for her Master. She described how this relationship changed her life, and Master took her and her then teenage son under his wing.
A middle aged couple, soft around the edges, grey haired and bald, Kim and Master Joe look like your next door neighbours. When I called Kim, she was drinking a cup of tea and knitting a teddy bear for her niece.
What? Not tied up in a dungeon with crotchless leather knicks and nipple clamps?
Preconception number one blown out of the water.
As a feisty, back-chatting wench, my first question was about whether, upon receiving an order, Kim ever wanted to tell her Master to take a hike.
‘Of course, sometimes I’m in the middle of something and Master wants me to make his lunch, or do something for him. I may ask if I can finish what I’m doing but if he says no, then I must do as he says. If I get frustrated, I just remember that this is a choice I made, and I tell myself suck it up‘.
Wow. I know that this is not for me but I guess in many cultures, where males are dominant, women live like this, without it being a choice. Also without the eroticism of the other side of their relationship.
I asked Kim what she thought of 50 Shades of Grey, and she said it painted a terrible picture of people who choose this lifestyle as broken, disturbed people. She insists that it simply isn’t the case.
Hmmm, could this be preconception number two busted?
Kim was married twice before meeting Master Joe, and in both relationships she concedes that she wore the pants. Although she had dabbled in writing erotic fiction, her sex life was fairly ordinary, or vanilla, a term 50 Shades made famous.
When her second marriage broke down, she was left a single mother who had to be everything for her son.
The nurturer. The provider. The story teller. The spider killer.
Kim says relinquishing this need to be in charge all the time is actually incredibly liberating.
Relinquishing control has set her free.
Kim had always fantasised about being spanked, and her husbands had never wanted to explore this with her. She decided as a 40-something-year-old single lady, that she was going to delve into this world she knew nothing about.
I asked Kim where she thought this desire came from.
‘I don’t like to think too much about it‘ Kim replied ‘I just enjoy being spanked‘
I delved a little further, questioning if her father spanked her as a child.
‘Of course, but that hurt, it wasn’t pleasant… but perhaps I liked the attention?‘
I had a lover who spanked my airborne butt once and I dissolved into the giggles. It felt like trashy porn to me. When he mistook this for enjoyment he slapped me again, to which I think I said ‘slap me again and I’ll punch you in the throat’, or something equally seductive.
It seemed like a mildly ridiculous thing to do, but also, it stung like a bitch. I didn’t enjoy that.
‘It only hurts if you want it to‘ she tells me.
I don’t think she meant mind over matter, I think she meant the slap and tickle bit, more tickle, less slap, or whip, or riding crop.
Kim told me that they work their way up from small stinging slaps to full-blown butt paddling, and the sensation is intoxicating.
‘Nothing else matters. Your entire existence is hanging in the next blow, and then the sweet sting. It’s like riding a wave‘
Yeah. Nah. I’ll take surfing any day of the week, thanks.
When Kim first started researching BDSM and she came upon a website that had forums and support groups, and also an avenue to meeting potential playmates, I guess you could call it RSVP for kinksters.
I was fascinated hearing about Kim’s first play date. I could only imagine how this middle aged, normal lady felt as she met a stranger on what’s essentially a blind date, with a view to trusting them enough to hurt you, just a little bit, and then have sex.
Was it a revelation? Was it mind-blowing? Was it all that?
For Kim, it was.
Not necessarily the sex part, which wasn’t like a scene from 50 Shades. She was nervous, and he was a virtual stranger, but finally being able to explore this fantasy was exhilarating and titilating. They didn’t make a lasting connection as he wanted her to call him ‘Daddy’. It was just too weird for Kim and a deal breaker for her Dominant.
Yeah, ‘Daddy’ is kinda funky.
Aside from Big Daddy, Kim had some negative experiences, that would have left me hightailing for vanilla sex.
One dude didn’t respect her safe word, and ended up burning her terribly with hot wax, before leaving her tied up in a room on her own for hours while he drank himself senseless. I guess the idea of dominating someone is incredibly powerful, but some people are never meant to wield such power.
Although I’m sure many people who explore this side of themselves are quite normal in every other way, there would definitely be many people for whom there is a darkness inside.
Everything changed when she met Master Joe, and he was able to take her to places she had never been before.
I queried whether every time they had sex it was the whole shebangalang, or whether they had the odd vanilla quickie?
‘There’s alway an element of dominance‘ she replied,’but it is hard to find the time these days, between our business, MJ’s Toybox (a custom made BDSM toy company), and other commitments. We often mark a play day on the calender’
Scheduling? Seems it doesn’t matter if you’re vanilla or tutti frutti, everyone needs to schedule it in these days.
I knew that Master has ‘clients’. People that come to him for a good flogging, or whatever takes their fancy. I asked if this made Kim jealous, because I assumed that every flog comes with a happy ending.
It’s not sexual for everyone. Master has male and female clients, that pop over for a beating and then go on their merry way. No sex. For many, it’s not even a turn on.
It’s feeding a need to be dominated.
For some reason, perhaps because I read 50 Shades, I wrap all of this dom/sub business in the kinky sex category. I can’t get my head around people doing it just because.
Obviously, there are degrees, but I saw one girl with terrible scars on her breasts in the BDSM arena at Sexpo. I think a good rump slap and drawing blood are two very different things.
My gut instinct tells me that there really is something a bit dark in someone who needs this, needing someone to draw your blood is akin to self-harm in my book. Is it a lack of self-respect, or just one man’s pain is another man’s pleasure?
I suggested this to Kim, and she said that there are many things in the scene that make her uncomfortable, sometimes, she’s forced to turn away, or leave the room. There is a saying in the scene –
Your kink might not be my kink but that’s ok.
An accepting bunch really. Probably something in that for all of us.
If you’re interested in reading more about Kim, you can find her website here.
She has also written a book. It’s fiction, but it’s based loosely on her experiences, so I reckon it’s kinda faction. I’ve not read it, but after reading 50 Shades, it can only be better than that!
I’d like to thank Kim for her honesty and for allowing me to tell her story.
In the spirit of flogging, I’m flogging my blog with Grace and the friday floggers…..