Health and Wellbeing

The secret shame of miscarriage.

July 9, 2013
miscarriage

Click image to read signs of miscarriage

I lost a baby once.

I didn’t take it to the supermarket and then forget which trolley was mine and simply walk off pushing another person’s, realising when I got home with bags full of processed chicken nuggets, tinned soup and condoms that I’d grabbed the wrong trolley in my haste.

Nor did sit down with it in my pocket and it slipped out, and fell down the side of the couch never to be seen again.

In fact, I didn’t really lose a baby at all. I knew where it was at all times.

The expression ‘lost a baby’ sounds incredibly irresponsible. I mean, what kind of mother could lose her baby, right? No wonder we carry a secret shame of miscarriage.

In between D Man and Kiki, on a cheeky holiday in Bali, we conceived another child. Never ones to keep good news to ourselves for long, we shared our fortune with our nearest and dearest. Everyone was so excited.

Even though it was such early days, I imagined myself and this child’s future. I imagined their place within our family. I imagined holding it, a whole baby, even though in reality it was nothing but a few cells multiplying at the speed of light.

I imagined sniffing it’s little fluffy head. My baby. Inside me.

I was only 9 weeks pregnant when I started to spot. I went to the toilet every 5 minutes to assess the situation. In a few hours the spotting had escalated to bleeding and I went to my friend’s house so I wasn’t alone, because I just knew that this bleeding was the start of my dream baby exiting stage left.

I called my husband and asked him to come home early if he could. God knows why? It’s not like he could do anything. I wasn’t in pain. It wasn’t dramatic. I was just bleeding when I shouldn’t be.

I remember sitting there, thinking that maybe I could do something – lie on the floor with my legs in the air, perhaps – to stop the flow. To keep the baby in. Even though logically I knew that the cells were no longer my baby, that my body was over-riding my emotions and evacuating something that wasn’t right, I was still really, really sad.

‘I don’t want to lose my baby’ I mumbled into my lap, sitting on my friends big grey sofa with our toddlers playing at our feet.

My friend, who knew all too well how it felt to be in my shoes, just offered me a cup of tea or a glass a red wine, and gave me a hug.

There was nothing else for it.

I took the red.

I was lucky in the fact that my friend had been through it. Realistically speaking, with 1 in 5 pregnancies ending in an early miscarriage (miscarrying in the first 12 weeks is known as early miscarriage. Miscarrying in the 12-20 week phase it’s known as late miscarriage and is much more rare), chances are we all know someone who has lost a child, but there is something taboo about talking about it. I don’t know why.

Obviously, it’s not something that you drop into casual conversation with a checkout chick, as it’s intensely personal, but for some reason there is a sense of failure or shame surrounding it.

Recently, someone very dear to me elatedly announced a new babe on the way. It was such exciting news…. no one really waits for 12 weeks, do they?
When a few weeks later she went for a scan and the scan showed no heartbeat, it was a very sad thing.

She was told that the fetus had failed to grow beyond 6 weeks, and by now she was 10 weeks….. she was carrying nothing more than a little sac of cells but it felt more like the huge weight of a dead baby. She was told that she could have a curette or simply wait for it to pass and she opted for the latter.

But it didn’t pass.

After 4 more weeks, she decided it was time for a D & C.

8 weeks. What a head fuck.

It’s called a missed miscarriage. Even that moniker implies some kind of failing, like missing a train or a deadline.

I tried to call her but she didn’t want to talk. I know now that she didn’t want me to feel sorry for her, but I know she also felt ashamed.

Why does a miscarriage feel like a personal failure?

But also, what’s wrong with people feeling sorry for us? No one wants to feel someone else’s pity, but sympathy can help us in our dark hours, no?

We’ve since talked about it and she said she wished more people talked openly about losing their babies. Maybe she would have found it easier to talk if she’d known of more people who had experienced the same thing. If there are so many of us, why is it so hard to find people to share your story with? People that understand exactly what it’s like to know that your pregnancy is no longer viable and has been, very intelligently, expelled by your body?

Anyway, I’m sharing these stories in case there’s anyone who can relate to any of this. In case anyone else wished they knew someone who had experienced what they’re experiencing.

There’s no shame. It’s just one of those things.

Back on the horse, I say.

If you would like to share your experience, just to write it down, but you don’t want to comment – feel free to email me at [email protected]

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Hooking up with the Essentially Excellent Jess because I’m blogging on Tuesday.

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62 Comments

  • Reply crodieblagg July 9, 2013 at 8:04 am

    Totally agree that we should talk about it more – I’ve heard it described as the last taboo – but I feel strongly that something that is so incredibly common shouldn’t be swept under the carpet. I had a miscarriage at 7 weeks before I had my girls – I’ll never forget how devastated I was.

  • Reply starryslippers July 9, 2013 at 8:31 am

    It’s the same with all grief and loss. Until you have experienced it then you reach out to the grieving as you have, as I do.

  • Reply Aroha @ Colours of Sunset July 9, 2013 at 9:09 am

    Thanks for sharing your story Mrs H. Maybe it will encourage others to share theirs, and I hope it helps some to feel not so alone. I know my fertility problems feel less of a failure and burden when I read about others’ struggles as well. Chances are, whatever we are going through, miscarriage, infertility, depression, we are not the first women to have suffered it and we won’t be the last. There is a lot to be said for the comfort and healing from those who truly know exactly what we are feeling. xo -Aroha

  • Reply x Sarah Kate x (@SKK25) July 9, 2013 at 9:55 am

    Im learning lately that a lot of topics are being swept under the rug! i truly believe they should be spoken about and women should not feel ashamed to talk about it. I loved reading this post as this morning I just wrote my first blog about my infertility and wondered if it was the right thing to do. Again I felt it should be ‘taboo’ and it shouldn’t be talked about. but I did and I’m happy! Thank You for showing me this!

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 9, 2013 at 2:04 pm

      I often find the posts where my finger hovers over the publish button for a moment before I think ‘stuff it’ and push, are the ones people most connect with. People connect with truth and your story deserves to be told.
      Well done for being brave x

    • Reply yinyangmother July 9, 2013 at 7:44 pm

      I know when I have tears in my eyes reading a post that some things never really go away. I ‘lost’ a baby, on it was an ectopic pregnancy and turned into something of an emergency on our first IVF cycle. It was the only time I have ever been pregnant out of 9 failed IVF cycles and since (I’m just about to turn 45 so that boat has sailed). We are so lucky to have our two beautiful adopted kids. For me the grief of losing our baby was worsened by losing my right tube, which just made conceiving all the harder. And it was also wrapped up in the whole ‘well at least the IVF worked, that has to be positive doesn’t it’ comments – it didn’t feel positive. I think pregnancy loss is swept under the carpet and I really can’t understand why – perhaps we are all too stoic, or don’t want to acknowledge how common it is because it could happen to us. Each of our failed IVF cycles hurt, but that lost baby still exists as a deep sadness in my soul, no matter how much I’ve tried to turn loss into gain.

      • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 9, 2013 at 8:40 pm

        wow. Thanks for sharing your powerful story. I’m not going to bolster you with a positive comment about your wonderful adopted kids….you know that you’re lucky in that respect. I will say I’m so sorry for your heartbreak.

        Life is a funny old ride, isn’t it?

        You are so brave.

  • Reply Tara July 9, 2013 at 10:26 am

    I suffered two miscarriages before having my two beautiful daughters and it broke my heart, our first was at 14.5 weeks and we found out via ultrasound that the baby had stopped growing somewhere around 9-10 weeks. We had done everything right, I took vitamins, I didn’t drink, smoke , have late nights, ate well, even waited till 12.5 weeks to tell anybody. I felt like a failure, like it was all my fault. Several weeks later I was at a BBQ at a friends house, I was feeling a little low this particular day, and told my husband I was going to go home. This friend (who is no longer a friend) turned and said “isn’t it time you got over it, it been a month”, I was floored, once I picked my chin up off the floor, I said “I’ll never be over it, I’ll always remember that I lost my child, it will never go away”.
    It then took 3 yrs to fall pregnant again and we lost that baby at 7.5weeks whilst at our friends wedding, whilst everybody partied and had a great time I spent much of the night in the ladies room, checking,praying, pleading making deals with the devil not to take another baby from me.

    See it’s only those who have been there that can truly appreciate what it feels like, our role is to protect, grow and deliver a healthy baby, and even though the logical part of your brain says there was a problem it’s for the best, sadly your heart has different ideas.

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 9, 2013 at 2:02 pm

      WOW. People are so insensitive!!! She totally deserved the punch bowl emptied on her head!!!

      Yep, the divide between the head and the heart is great, at times.

      Thanks for sharing your story. xxx

  • Reply Belinda July 9, 2013 at 10:32 am

    It is a hard thing to deal, good on you for writing this post. I recently wrote a post similar to this in an attempt to make someone else not feel so alone. x

  • Reply Mandy July 9, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    So painful. I myself had experienced an early miscarriage and it really broke my heart despite what most people say “Well, it was only 5 weeks really.” My good friend recently came over to announce that she was 12 weeks pregnant (she’s had about 6 miscarriages and finally made it to 12 weeks this time) and we were sitting on the verandah getting excited about the much anticipated baby. She went for a scan 2 hours later and never wanted to answer my call. There was no heartbeat and she was told to wait for the body to “dispel” the baby. My heart aches so deeply just typing this. A miscarriage is not just losing a bag of cells. It’s the tragic loss of all these beautiful dreams, anticipation, future.

  • Reply Nina July 9, 2013 at 2:58 pm

    Nobody likes to talk about grievous things I suppose. I didn’t have a miscarriage but it was always on my mind during both pregnancies. And I would hate for anyone to feel like had they done something different it would have turned out otherwise, or that they should get over it.

    There probably is a taboo out there about it because I hardly know anyone personally who has had a miscarriage (like, two), and if the odds are so high, that means that people just aren’t saying anything. If they don’t want to, I respect that too. Just hopefully they don’t feel like it’s any of their fault at all.

  • Reply ramblinginthecity July 9, 2013 at 3:10 pm

    Women feel responsible, guilty, ashamed at anything that happens out of the built-up front of what society considers ‘normal’ and miscarriage is another facet of this. Women feel guilty for yelling at their children, for Chrissakes, when we all know that letting off steam is normal, including the kids! This morning I was a little short on my 5 yr old daughter and she gently asked me “Mum, why are you so angry for such a small thing” and I thought about how much time women spend feeling angry at themselves for a bunch of things that are not such a big deal. We need to tell ourselves every day to relax and enjoy life, go with the flow….

  • Reply becc03 July 9, 2013 at 4:03 pm

    I do believe we all know a number of people around us that have had a miscarriage. It is a highly emotional time and I think that maybe people do want to keep to themselves and grieve.
    Having not been through one personally, it is very hard to identify with this issue. I certainly know that I would have been devastated, but I would hope I wouldn’t see it as a failure. I hope that the people I know who have experienced it do not feel this way. There is definitely no failure involved. Just nature working in the way it does all around us.
    Becc @ Take Charge Now

  • Reply lybliss July 9, 2013 at 4:19 pm

    I hate the term “lost the baby” I didn’t lose it, recklessly misplace or abandon it.
    We had 2 miscarriages, one with our first IVF transfer, complete with long wait then a curette. It was truly horrid. The place where we had to go for the curette was the same place that did elective abortions on certain days so there were picketers shoving awful placards against our car windows and in our faces, people screaming hateful, evil things at us as we walked into the clinic.
    I don’t really talk about our miscarriages with friends or family. We have had successful pregnancies and I get the impression I am supposed to just shut away those ugly memories and ‘be grateful’ Which I am. But that doesn’t diminish the loss and the ugly memories.

  • Reply tric July 9, 2013 at 5:32 pm

    When I had my son after having a miscarriage my friend said to me “he is a baby you would never have had”. It really helped me to move on. I will never forget how sad I was after the miscarriage but when I look at my now grown up son, I smile.

  • Reply Leah July 9, 2013 at 6:44 pm

    WE had two “missed” miscarriages & on both occasions after early ultrasounds detected heartbeats we blissfully went on to imagine our lives as parents & what the baby we had made would look like, act like, sound like…until 12 week scans revealed our babies had stopped growing. After the second loss I was quite convinced I was defective & would never have a live baby. I could barely look at, let alone talk to our various friends who had been expecting at the same time we had been. I became obsessed with knowing everything there was to know about my cycle & what was going wrong–trying to control a completely uncontrollable thing. I believe for many women, especially those who have been in control of everything else in their lives really struggle with the unknown elements of fertility.
    We still think about those pregnancies & how old those children would be now & I’m sad we “lost” that time as parents BUT we now have three healthy little men who I once thought would never exist. I lived for stories of women who’d had multiple miscarriages & gone on to have healthy pregnancies & it is for this reason too that we need to share our stories. They can provide such hope to those, who like me were terrified they would never be a mother. We’ve made a conscious decision to be open about our experiences on the off chance that the people who need to hear it most will. 🙂

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 9, 2013 at 8:42 pm

      Oh Leah, my love. That was a tough ride. Thank you for sharing your story, and I hope someone who has had multiples reads it and feels hope. I was also terrified right up until I was about to pop that it would happen again.

      I’m blown away by the reaction to this post. God chicks are awesome, aren’t they?

  • Reply yinyangmother July 9, 2013 at 7:47 pm

    I know when I have tears in my eyes reading a post that some things never really go away. I ‘lost’ a baby, on it was an ectopic pregnancy and turned into something of an emergency on our first IVF cycle. It was the only time I have ever been pregnant out of 9 failed IVF cycles and since (I’m just about to turn 45 so that boat has sailed). We are so lucky to have our two beautiful adopted kids. For me the grief of losing our baby was worsened by losing my right tube, which just made conceiving all the harder. And it was also wrapped up in the whole ‘well at least the IVF worked, that has to be positive doesn’t it’ comments – it didn’t feel positive. I think pregnancy loss is swept under the carpet and I really can’t understand why – perhaps we are all too stoic, or don’t want to acknowledge how common it is because it could happen to us. Each of our failed IVF cycles hurt, but that lost baby still exists as a deep sadness in my soul, no matter how much I’ve tried to turn loss into gain.

  • Reply mummywifeme July 9, 2013 at 7:58 pm

    I had tears in my eyes reading this. Thank you for sharing. When I had a failed IVF embryo transfer all I wanted to do was talk about it, but nobody wanted to talk about it with me. Why? Perhaps because it’s just too heartbreaking and people think nothing they can say can make it better. I think it is so important to share these stories though and let women know that they are not alone.

  • Reply Melissa July 9, 2013 at 8:10 pm

    I didn’t feel a sense of failure, only an immense feeling of sadness when I miscarried my 4th pregnancy. Nothing for me has been sadder than seeing that precious little fetus at my 12 week ultrasound with a heart that had stopped beating 3 weeks earlier. What surprised me most was how many of my friends revealed that they had also miscarried once I shared the news. I guess it is something you just don’t talk about.

  • Reply Have a laugh on me July 9, 2013 at 9:19 pm

    I am one of those very fortunate woman who has never ‘lost a soul’. There is nothing I can say to heal – so I won’t say a thing – except – love yah guts x

  • Reply Dani @ Sand Has No Home July 9, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    It is awful that our culture is so uptight about this. We really are made to feel foolish for announcing a pregnancy prior to 12 weeks (as if you want to keep that Squeeeeeee! Joy to yourself for fear of the worst shadow), but should the worst happen, shouldn’t everyone rally around your loss, instead of you having to sweep your loss under the carpet? Sorry for your very sad loss, lovely x

  • Reply Kelly M Hibbert July 9, 2013 at 9:45 pm

    Maybe it’s a sympathy/empathy thing. ‘Sorry’ might be the most heard and disliked word for women who have experienced a miscarriage.

  • Reply Grace July 9, 2013 at 10:26 pm

    I remember my best friend telling me she had had a miscarriage. I was overseas at the time and just felt absolutely useless. And it was a tricky situation because while I wanted her to know I was there for her, she also didn’t want to talk about it. She just wanted to let me know that if I was wondering why I thought she was feeling flat, there was a reason for it. That was the moment I realised how common miscarriages are yet how we – as a society – don’t talk about it enough.

  • Reply ksbeth July 9, 2013 at 10:29 pm

    My daughter lost twins halfway through her pregnancy and it was very hard on everyone, with no one really knowing what to do or say, though all were well intended. I think that people who have not been touched by this may not understand that it is a loss like any other.

  • Reply EssentiallyJess July 9, 2013 at 11:16 pm

    Thank you for writing this Danielle. I am one of the lucky ones whose never actually miscarried, but once, I was sure I was pregnant. My body was doing all the pregnant things early on as it always did, and I was imagining this little person growing inside me. I was devastated when my period arrived on time, and I hadn’t ‘lost’ a baby at all; just the idea of one. I cannot imagine the grief mother’s must feel when their babies leave them xxx

  • Reply Me July 10, 2013 at 12:17 am

    I never miscarried so have not been through what you have – and I can only imagine what it would have felt like. I wonder if talking about miscarriage is similar to talking about depression – there seems to be a stigma attached and there shouldn’t be. The more people who talk about it the more we realise we aren’t the only ones and we don’t feel so alone.
    Thanks for a post to raise awareness !
    Have the best day !
    Me

  • Reply silentplea July 10, 2013 at 2:29 am

    This is exactly why I’ve started a ministry for families that have lost a baby. No one talks about it yet is pleading for support secretly. I’m so sorry for your struggle. I’ve had 3 miscarriages and totally understand.

  • Reply larva225 July 10, 2013 at 2:40 am

    I lost my first pregnancy at 9 weeks as well. It was horrible. And while I certainly climbed right back on that horse, it’s not something that I don’t often think of even now with 2 wonderful healthy kids. Who would that little person have been?
    The one thing that helped during and after my MC was knowing how alone I WASN’T. Thanks for posting.

  • Reply mummysundeservedblessings July 10, 2013 at 8:52 am

    It’s so important to share these stories. I miscarried my first two babies very early (before 6 weeks). I have three little people now but I still feel sad about that time. I wrote a post a couple of years ago and I still get emails from people who read it and it has helped them. Thanks for sharing your story.

  • Reply One of My Own July 10, 2013 at 9:40 am

    Thanks for sharing your story. I recently had a miscarriage, and blogged about it last week.
    http://www.oneofmyown.org/2013/07/moving-on-after-miscarriage.html

    It’s a silent epidemic and it ought not be so

  • Reply Bunny Eats Design July 10, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    I have friends that have had miscarriages and it’s such a horrifically sad time. One had to give birth in a hospital and they had funeral and burial with close family on. There’s nothing friends can do. I felt so helpless but wanted to give the family time and space to grieve. But I couldn’t do nothing. So I rounded up friends and we sent a huge edible bouquet to mum. Ages later when we spoke about it, she said that she was crying all day and night and then that bouquet appeared and she knew we were thinking of her. It brings tears as I write this. Others pass out the sad news, privately on social media and put themselves on “do not call”. I guess the last thing you want when you are suffering is to explain your sadness to people over and over again. I know I prefer to grief in private. That’s not the same for everyone though. I’m sure shame has a part to play.

  • Reply MEICC July 11, 2013 at 6:14 am

    I lost my first baby, a little girl, at 20 weeks to a chromosomal condition, a totally random mutation during cell division I was told and nothing to do with me or my husband. I still knew deep down inside it was my fault and that I was obviously a failure at being pregnant and producing a child to have this happen to me.

    A few months after this loss I got pregnant again and experienced a natural early miscarriage at 6 weeks. I was gutted that someone obviously hated me so much they thought I needed to know what it was like to lose a baby in early pregnancy as well. I felt ashamed that this time my body couldn’t even stay pregnant long enough to get to my first scan.

    But I picked myself up, got back on the horse so to speak and within a couple of months became pregnant again. This time I felt different, despite my history I just knew that this pregnancy was going to be ok and this baby would be my take home baby. Sure enough 8 months later my perfect twin girls came into the world after a text book straight forward pregnancy. It was amazing, after convincing myself I was a total failure at producing babies, I naturally conceived non identical girls and carried them to term with no complications whatsoever.

    Very few people knew about my early miscarriage, which was so much easier than it was after my first loss. No one knows what to say to you in these circumstances and they don’t want to upset you, if only they realised they couldn’t possibly upset you anymore than you already are. Now that I have my rainbow twins no one acknowledges the loss of my first baby, who I gave birth too and had a funeral for, but that’s ok as she is mine and with everything we went through in the pregnancy and the birth I don’t feel like I want to share her with anyone else. She will always have a big place in my heart after all she made me a Mum even if I didn’t get to take her home.

  • Reply Jodi Gibson July 12, 2013 at 9:22 pm

    Thank you for sharing. Miscarriage is unfortunately more common than people think. My best friend lost her first baby, and although she was only in her first trimester it was still a very emotional thing for her. These stories need to be out there so others don’t feel shame or that they did something to cause it. x

  • Reply Marcy July 12, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    I am sorry for everyone’s losses. I had an early miscarriage on my first pregnancy. I had announced it to my closest friends. I think I was at about 8 weeks only. I was very sad. I didn’t feel shame, but I had wished I waited longer to announce. I am sure I would have told them eventually, but it made it harder to have to make the sad phone calls when my husband and I were trying to deal with it ourselves. Now I am always anxious when someone announces publicly very early in her pregnancy. I had my first child about a year later. It was very stressful worrying about the baby, as I am sure it is for most women, but he was healthy and everything was fine.

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 13, 2013 at 7:43 am

      Yeah, same. I was really worried about my next pregnancy right up until I was really really big and heavy with baby.
      Then I relaxed about miscarrying and started worrying about labour!!

  • Reply maxabella July 12, 2013 at 11:30 pm

    Good, strong, meaningful words that make me want to sit next to you and share that glass of red. x

  • Reply Julie July 14, 2013 at 4:10 pm

    My pet hate is the term lost. You do not lose someone, you do not lose your baby. After tying to conceive for almost four years, and so many fertility treatments my body was in hyper mode, I had a missed miscarriage. One week there was a heart beat, the next none. Went on to be a very traumatic experience with emergency surgery where they could not tell us for sure whether or not they could save my uterus. This happened in October 2010. Then after all of that I ‘accidentally’ (no period or fertility treatments) fell pregnant. We did not tell anyone until I had the 13 week scan, this bub is now Jarvis.

  • Reply Zanni Louise July 19, 2013 at 8:11 pm

    I spoke openly about my miscarriage too Danielle. I didn’t feel ashamed – it was just one of those things. Mine was a missed pregnancy, they thought. At the time, I was writing about other things, so I wrote about that too, because it is part of life. I grieved briefly – I think because I knew how common it is to lose a baby, and because I think part of me never believed I was pregnant. I don’t know anyone with children who hasn’t lost a baby. But although it’s common, it’s important to allow yourself to grieve. A friend had a ceremony for her miscarriage recently, and I thought it was touching. It was an open acknowledgement of her loss.

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys July 22, 2013 at 3:11 pm

      Just saw this comment…. that is a nice way to acknowledge it, Z. Everyone needs to do it in their own way.

  • Reply Sayuri July 20, 2013 at 4:55 am

    This was an important blog entry. Keep sharing. Thanks for liking my post in what black women need to know about child rearing in 2013.

  • Reply Emily July 20, 2013 at 11:11 am

    Lovely post. Thank you for sharing. A friend of mine ‘lost’ her bub at 10 weeks and I remember going over there with chocolate and a card saying something about the bublet. She burst into tears – everyone else had been talking about the ‘foetus’, ‘miscarried’, ‘aborted pregnancy’, and she latched onto the word ‘bublet’ and finally felt justified in grieving for the baby she’d never meet.

  • Reply Olivia July 25, 2013 at 12:25 pm

    I wrote a post on my miscarriage lastmonth: http://themagicandthemundane.blogspot.com.au/2013/06/birth-death-miscarriage.html
    I didn’t feel ashamed though, I just felt deeply deeply sad. I still do.
    Liv xo

  • Reply Sofia August 1, 2013 at 11:58 am

    Perhaps I am a bit late in replying to this, but I want to say thank you for writing this article! Hopefully somIe of the people reading will gain insight into what it is actually like and stop with all the rehearsed and unhelpful lines like “Oh, at least you weren’t very far along.”

    I had a miscarriage at eight weeks very soon after my sixteenth birthday. However stupid it may have been to want it, I did. I saw the baby as the only good thing to come from the relationship, and as consolation for everything he did to me. I was devastated when I miscarried.

    I think the tragedy is that now, almost ten years later, my husband and I have decided to try for a baby. After almost eight months trying I fell pregnant, only to miscarry at six weeks. I think that the second time around was less upsetting, probably because the circumstances were so different! I managed to get my GP to send us both for infertility testing and lo and behold there is something wrong with my cervix. I have never felt more useless and disgusting in my life.

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys August 1, 2013 at 12:14 pm

      Sophia, I will email my reply to you immediately.
      Xx

      • Reply yinyangmother August 1, 2013 at 5:41 pm

        Sofia – please do not feel useless or disgusting – infertility is not something you have done wrong. My heart goes out to how you are feeling right now. As someone who has never been able to have a baby (one ectopic pregnancy, multiple IVF failures and nothing) I know that feeling blame and shame will get you nowhere. My thoughts are with you.

  • Reply Michelle May 6, 2014 at 5:04 pm

    Oh my what a moving piece you’ve written and all those before me.
    I never wanted to be a statistic like many others, and I hated going through ‘it’ (a miscarriage), however I am grateful that I can be friend to the many friends who have since gone through ‘it’.
    I had a healthy 5 month old little boy after 2 years of fertility treatments. Whilst i was still breastfeeding him I found out I was 6 weeks pregnant. We were elated. Our babies would be close together in age, we were so happy. Then an ultrasound at 11 weeks showed what was termed ‘a fetus’ of just 6 weeks with no heartbeat. I was on my own with my little boy at home with hubby. I didn’t think to ask him to come as I’d been through this before, it was just a routine scan. I was devastated. The nurse told me ‘don’t worry dear, ‘its’ only 6 weeks old, we usually can’t find a heartbeat at 6 weeks. But I knew 5 weeks ago I was pregnant, I said. This baby was no longer alive. After visiting my obstetrician he said that to be ‘safe’ he wouldn’t perform a curate until another week had passed ‘just in case’ there is a live baby in there. Well, I knew there wasn’t and I wanted the baby out of me. But I couldn’t get the baby to go for another week. I walked around in a fog and hugged my little boy so much in that week, thank goodness he had no idea. The week arrived and the curate was performed. I was relieved that chapter was over. But then I couldn’t work out, why am I still so sad? So many other people go through miscarriages, but how on earth do they manager to put one foot in front of the other each day and not be scared?
    Eventually days turned into weeks and our little man was turning 1. Hip hip horray a nightmare few months, but life goes on. Within a few months we were pregnant again, with no fertility treatments, another miracle conception. However these were the hardest 8 weeks waiting to arrive at the magical 12 weeks. An ultrasound at 12 weeks showed a healthy little person growing inside. In the car on the way home a song just started on the radio with these exact words, ‘…From this moment on…life has begun…from this moment, you are the one, right beside me, is where I belong…from this moment on..” (gotta love Shania Twain).
    These two little bundles are now by far mine and hubbies best creations ever. The little man started high school this year and our sweet little girl is 10. Life does go on, but I proudly feel older and wiser.
    Thank you for sharing such touching stories.

  • Reply Dani June 4, 2014 at 1:42 am

    I just found out at 12 weeks that my baby’s heart stopped beating shortly after 8 weeks. I didn’t bleed so I didn’t know. And at 8 weeks I had an ultrasound and everything looked normal and the heart was beating. I’m devastated confused and yes I feel ashamed. I am waiting to see if I pass naturally otherwise they will try drugs to induce a miscarriage. 🙁

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys June 4, 2014 at 6:58 am

      Dani, I’m so so sorry to hear this. It’s heartbreaking, I know. There is nothing I can say to make you feel any better so I’m sending you loads of love. Take very great care of yourself.

  • Reply Blog World Tour 2013: Feeling hungry September 19, 2014 at 10:20 pm

    […] humour and spirit in her writing that is rather irresistible. Topics range from politics to parenthood to freekeh to random things like Kegels (Danielle’s ‘kegels face’ has to be seen […]

  • Reply Weekend Rewind II: Replaying your fave post of the week | Maxabella Loves September 20, 2014 at 4:58 pm

    […] sweet op shop (“Come one, come then” – my heart!) at Mogantosh; The secret shame of miscarriage at Keeping up with the Holbys (Danielle is the real deal); Staying in the Lane at Slow Heat […]

  • Reply Roxanne November 11, 2014 at 8:25 pm

    I had a miscarriage last week; I’m 46. I still processing and so feel nothing, like the ice queen, basically. This disturbs me, makes me feel like perhaps there’s something wrong with me. I’m finding the stigma and secrecy difficult to deal with. Also I have this sense that I let a treasure slip away.

    • Reply Danielle November 12, 2014 at 7:36 am

      I’m so sorry to read this. I don’t think there is a ‘right’ way to feel. Be gentle to yourself and be kind to yourself and let whatever you’re feeling be ok. Do you have someone you can talk to? If you don’t feel you can talk to a friend there are helplines you can call just to chat if you need to.
      There was nothing you could do, so please don’t blame yourself. Take good care of you xxx

  • Reply Nicola April 29, 2015 at 1:59 am

    I have just read this, nearly two years after the original post and I’m so glad I found it. I miscarried our first baby yesterday. We went for an early scan as we had gone through fertility treatment and there was nothing there. The bleeding started about three hours after I had been at the clinic. I have never felt this low in my life and I have been wondering why I feel ashamed. I’ve been searching the internet for The Magic Answer but I don’t know what I’m expecting to find.

    My boss knows but told me to tell the rest of the team that I simply have a migraine. I can’t talk to the rest of my team about losing my baby, even though that’s what it is. I will go back to work and be expected to throw myself back into everything as if I have recovered from a migraine, rather than still recovering from the most emotionally low place I have ever been. I don’t understand not only why we don’t talk about it, but why we are made not to talk about by others too. I am not going to cope at work when I go back and I’m expected back next week. I don’t think I can do it.

    • Reply Danielle April 29, 2015 at 7:10 am

      Nicola, I’m so sorry for your loss. I know it’s a terribly sad time and I don’t really have an amazing advice.
      If you wanted to talk I’m sure people would understand but I also know it’s very personal.
      If you need to speak to a counceller for an impartial war I know that always helps.
      In the meantime be gentle with yourself. Take care.

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