It’s not permanent, at least, I hope it isn’t, but I currently feel as though I cannot possibly do all of the things I need to do in a day, so I barely end up doing any of them.
My inner critic is on steroids. I have writer’s paralysis, which is like writer’s block on smack, and when I do think of a topic worth writing about, my puff-chested inner critic pipes up with –
‘Who cares what you have to say anyway?’
I start writing and then trash the whole thing because I just keep thinking –
‘Who gives a shit what you think?’
I’m having a ‘What’s it all about moment’, and I’m not really coming up with any answers. I love this blog, and I love the people I’ve (cyber) met but I seem to be suffering from a bout of the Terrible Fear.
I recently read some advice for bloggers that you should only really write when you have something truly cracking to say. Some people write to a weekly schedule, and some people write daily. I don’t have anything worth saying daily, nor do I have time (thank Christ for that, I hear you sigh). I do think discipline is good when you’re writing, but if you’ve nothing interesting to say?
How do you know when it’s good, or truly interesting?
I guess, and I never thought I’d hear myself say this, but I’m a little sick of my own voice. I bang on and on about my feelings, and my thoughts and life and my kids, but there are so many people out there doing that, it’s not unique at all.
I’m still waiting for my book to be finished in the design stage. That will be cool. Then I’ll feel accomplished. It’s taking considerably longer than everyone anticipated and there’s not a thing I can do to hurry it along. I’m still so excited about it as a concept, but when it seems constantly just a little bit out of my reach it’s difficult to maintain momentum.
The sproglets no longer sleep at the same time, so I currently have little to no time during the day write, or approach people about writing, and I feel like I’m never going to go anywhere, or achieve any of these dreams. They’re not unattainable if you have the time to dedicate, but you need the time.
Time. I have no time. I need more hours in the day. Time is frustrating me.
Sometimes I look at the BIG PICTURE and the weight of it feels as though it could crush me. I know I need to stay present in the now, and just do the little steps every day, because that’s simply less daunting. Perhaps I should re-read Eckhart Toll’s The Power of Now, but I found it boring the first time to be perfectly honest. I kept thinking of the things I needed to be doing.
Case in point.
Anyway, I’ve been thinking these ugly thoughts for a couple of weeks and I hope that if I just get them out of me then I can move forward, and remember why I’m doing this in the first place. It’s meant to be fun. A release and an outlet, and not something that weighs on me as I try to compete with everyone else doing the same thing.
There are many wonderful bloggers that I’ve met in the past year and a bit, and from small beginnings I have a beautiful following of lovely people who read and comment, and care… but sometimes it just feels kind of lonely and like a strange thing to do.
Yesterday, Tarah from Starting Over As Ms awarded me one of those blog awards. They don’t really mean anything in the real world, but this one actually meant a lot. Kudos from peers is a special thing.
I’m not going to do the whole shebangalang of it, not for any reason other than I’ve done it a few times and am running out of interesting facts about myself. I’m just going to thank Tarah for her impeccable timing in giving me the Versatile Blogger Award, and if you have time to go and check her out she writes about the journey from being a Mrs to a Ms in her mid-30’s. I reckon she probably gets bouts of the Terrible Fear too.
Now, be gone Dark Feelings. You’ve been exorcised.
Let me get on with it, because I’m far too busy for this shit.
PS I told my darling friend how I was feeling and she sent me a link to Marie Forleo’s What To Do When You Doubt Everything. It appears it’s a real Thing, and not just a me Thing. Check it out if you’re ever afflicted by The Thing. First thing she suggests is taking time away from technology.