Health and Wellbeing

Cheating online… it’s still cheating and more dangerous than you may think.

November 22, 2013

internet cheatingA few months ago an acquaintance of mine called me in tears.

I didn’t know the mum of three that well so when she shared her shocking tale with me a little part of me wondered why on Earth she was divulging to me.

You see, she’d been having an online affair.

After a random person contacted her on Facebook, she struck up a little cyber dalliance – shall we say. Initially it was fairly harmless.

A little messaging here, a little flirting there… but after a few months of her telling this person of her marriage and health troubles it deepened into something a little more serious.

This person, who had been married many years (although anyone is susceptible I imagine) had been dissatisfied with her relationship for some time. She knew what she was doing wasn’t right, however, it was exciting and it made her feel incredibly sexy and desirable.

When he asked for pictures of her in lingerie, she donned her prettiest, and sent them with the click of the send button via email.

It was exhilerating.

She was falling for this guy. This German man living in Malaysia.

He was working in Asia as an engineer on a very big job, but when his passport and credit card got stolen he was in a bind for cash. She didn’t think twice about secreting away some of the family savings and wiring it to him.

When she was away from home on business they skyped for hours although his camera was playing up. When he requested she masturbate for him via the camera in her computer the idea was so exciting and titillating that she did.

And it was amazing.

The following week his money still wasn’t sorted and he needed to pay his employees, so she sent him some more money.

After the third cash injection she delivered the money totalled over $5000.

She didn’t care. He was amazing. He gave her everything that was lacking in her relationship.

He showered her with praise and sweet words.

He made her feel sexy.

You probably have an idea where this is going, because to the observer it’s freaking obvious, right?

After a big sordid show down that’s way too complicated to go into, she realised this Lothario was a con man, and she refused to give him any more time or money.

She was heart broken because she thought he loved her and she felt like a fool.

He said he had filmed her wanking, and he was going to release it on the web if she didn’t give him $20,000. He also threatened to email the photos to her husband. As everything was done via Facebook  he knew everything about her.

That’s about when she called me.

This particular instance is obviously quite extreme but I really think that cyber flirting is something worth discussing. At what point does this story cross the line?

Flirting is part of human nature. When it’s done well it’s nice and it makes the flirtee and the flirter feel great.

Flirting is harmless.

Cyber flirting is another matter. Flirting with intention is a whole other blog!

Behind the safety of your computer, you may feel as thought you can be more open than you normally would. You may divulge more than you should.

You may end up in trouble.

As for when it crosses the line from harmless flirtation into cheating, you really need to use your moral compass. I think a fairly basic rule of thumb to go by is –

If you need to keep it a secret from your partner, you’re crossing the line.

I’ve never been into a chat room, frankly, I don’t have the time, but they are fast becoming a way for dissatisfied partners to have cyber affairs. It feels safe, because you’re not actually doing anything but it is as innocent as one might like to think?

Not really.

So, my friend took a big risk and called his bluff. She said she wouldn’t give him any more money and she never wanted to hear from him again. Luckily, he went away and her secret has remained secret, except for you and I.

I guess the moral to this story is if someone you don’t know approaches you for friendship on Facebook you need to be careful. Sometimes boredom or marriage dissatisfaction can make you easy prey.

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If you like what you’re reading why not like my Facebook page now or subscribe via email, to be sure to always keep up with the Holsbys.

Hooking up with the floggers for FYBF over at With Some Grace.

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  • Reply Kimberley Magain (@MelbourneMum1) November 22, 2013 at 8:06 am

    Wow, amazing story. You know, you’re right, it’s so freaking obvious when he started asking for money that he was a conman, but DAMN those pesky emotions. I guess I’m lucky in that I can smell BS a mile away, but not everyone is the same and many are extremely vulnerable. It makes me mental when I hear these stories. People should know better! Kx

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys November 25, 2013 at 6:01 pm

      I found your comment! Both got spammed…. you are so not spam, my dear!!!
      My BS meter is fairly pants, I reckon, but I don’t think I’d get sucked into this one.

  • Reply Kimberley Magain (@MelbourneMum1) November 22, 2013 at 8:07 am

    Hi lovey—just left a massive comment but your system seemed to eat it! Kx

  • Reply Mumabulous November 22, 2013 at 8:43 am

    Woo – That was a salacious start to my Friday. A good rule of thumb is that if you wouldn’t do it/say it in front of your partner you probably shouldn’t do it at all.

  • Reply Zanni Arnot November 22, 2013 at 9:43 am

    What a chilling story! I am glad it had an OK ending…I don’t think I am very susceptible to cyber-flirting/cheating but I will head the warning regardless.

  • Reply Ai Sakura November 22, 2013 at 9:48 am

    Alarm bells started ringing from the first time he asked for money! Glad to know she’s safe, reputation intact and still has her family. Hope she’s managed to solve things with her hubby.

    Ai @ Sakura Haruka

  • Reply Bunny Eats Design November 22, 2013 at 11:35 am

    To be honest, I wouldn’t even let my husband film me. Let alone a stranger on the internet.

  • Reply Cooker and a Looker November 22, 2013 at 12:23 pm

    Think you’ve nailed the golden rule Mrs H. Hope she comes out of it alright.

  • Reply Jody at Six Little Hearts November 22, 2013 at 12:53 pm

    I am always shocked that people fall for this type of thing in the first place. It must be the police woman I had as a Mother! I am so sceptical of anything. Hope she is left alone by this creep In future.

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys November 22, 2013 at 1:49 pm

      I guess it’s really a question of gullibility and loneliness in this case. Any time someone I don’t approaches me on FB I just delete them. I don’t gave time to stay in touch with people I do know let alone people who don’t!

      Sent from my iPhone


  • Reply Emily @ Have A Laugh On Me November 22, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    I love that rule of thumb – you very wise grasshopper! I feel sorry she fell for it 🙁

  • Reply Leanne Winter November 22, 2013 at 5:36 pm

    Well, I’m a little speechless to be honest. I don’t like to judge without walking in another’s shoes etc but when he asked for money it’s hard to imagine alarm bells didn’t go off. Poor woman, what a terrible way to learn a lesson. But what I really want to know is – why is everyone getting approached on FB except me???

  • Reply maxabella November 22, 2013 at 9:04 pm

    It seems too easy, doesn’t it? Your poor friend, I’m just devastated for her. x

  • Reply rhian @melbs November 22, 2013 at 9:28 pm

    I feel sorry for her and I agree with your rule. I don’t really understand people you don’t know approaching you to be friends on FB at all. Besides all the stuff that you mentioned, why on earth do I want someone I don’t know knowing all my business.
    Hope your friend is ok and manages to get things back on track with her marriage.

  • Reply mumstakefive November 22, 2013 at 9:31 pm

    oh dear. poor thing. silly and foolish poor love what a roller coaster.
    All the best with the book

  • Reply sagescenery November 22, 2013 at 10:00 pm

    This is a great post and warning!! Just read something similar on Holley Gerth’s blog at:

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys November 23, 2013 at 4:41 am

      Holley’s is a great post, isn’t it. Interesting points there.
      Marriage is definitely hard work!!

      • Reply sagescenery November 26, 2013 at 4:04 am

        Celebrating 37 years of it in Feb.!!! “Love” is strong…”like” is so much harder!!!!

        But you & Holley make great points…why would we do things that make it even harder, or impossible!!

        Help us, Lord!!

  • Reply Go Camping Australia (@australiacamper) November 22, 2013 at 10:22 pm

    To the outside observer, you could just see that this was a gigantic con. But I suppose when you are involved, and wanting something so much, logic and commonsense just disappears. It is scary how many stories are probably out there, like this.

    (via FYBF)

  • Reply Jenn November 23, 2013 at 7:48 pm

    I had this issue with my husband few years ago, except he was the one doing the cyber affair. I found photos and videos of the other woman naked and masturbating and I sent them to her husband. Never heard from her again. Also, kicked my husband out for a while. We’ve since worked things out, but I have to say, even though it happened once, it has never left my thoughts and I have never trusted him the same. So although it wasn’t physical cheating, it was a great emotional bruise on our marriage and it hurts just the same. Because I find myself always checking up on him and wondering…it’s hard! Thank you for sharing such an honest post!

    • Reply Keeping Up With The Holsbys November 23, 2013 at 8:22 pm

      Wow!!! Thank you for such an honest comment. That’s huge and amazing that you’re working on it. Trust is a massive thing. And not a thing to take lightly.

      Love to you xxx

      Sent from my iPhone


      • Reply Jenn November 23, 2013 at 8:47 pm

        You’re welcome. I enjoy your posts. I am a very honest person, and I had to comment on this particular post because this is an issue that I feel strongly about. Cyber affairs are real and people shouldn’t dismiss them as “it doesn’t count.” It is a very relevant issue that many couples face with the advancement in technology. Just like you said, if you need to keep it a secret from your partner, you’re crossing the line! Doesn’t matter if it’s a physical affair or a cyber affair. Wrong is wrong.

  • Reply SarahD Nolan November 25, 2013 at 12:10 am

    Wow what a story! I always only befriend people that i would talk to on the street. It is quite fascinating how if our confidence is lowered, some can make mistakes like this with just a few words from stranger to make them feel good ! I think it is most definitely an affair and you are right if you have to keep it hidden it is wrong. Thank you for sharing.

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