I’m rather fond of the kettle but that vacuum cleaner can kiss my arse.
The fridge keeps the wine cold, so I guess we’re firm friends.
Something much easier for me to name as prized is my favourite bedroom appliance.
Not my hairdryer, nor my bedside clock.
I currently only have one and it doesn’t even work properly any more but I’ll take that over the washing machine or the even my food processor any day of the week.
The food processor definitely brings me a modicum of joy, but my tickle stick?
I bought it at Sexpo under the watchful eye of my sex therapist friend Isiah whom I presumed has much experience in these matters. She hailed this one as the bomb. The brand was titled Fun Factory, which was remeniscent of a 90’s dance group so I envisaged hours of solo disco.
My previous battery operated lovers had been lurid phallic looking monstrosities but not so with this little darling. She, yes, she was compact, sleek and looked bugger all like a penis.
She looked gentle and friendly, rather than like a truncheon that wished to terrorise my soft bits. She was almost unassuming enough to try to sneak into hand luggage through an airport, but not quite, because as friendly in appearance as my buzzing friend may be she would still cause an awkward conversation at the X-ray.
I realise discussing self-pleasuring is not everyone’s cup of tea, but whether you keep on the down low or sing it from the roof tops I thoroughly recommend everyone rubs one out from time to time…. or all the time if you wish.
It’s a great reliever of stress and puts you in a better mood. When it’s just you you needn’t care about waxing your bikini line, nor need you worry about how long it’s taking or whether you’re being suitably appreciative.
Or if you say the wrong name – Joe Manganiello for instance.
If you wish to languorously make love to yourself, rock on, but if you want to jump straight into lift-off position and be back about your business in a couple of minutes flat – power to you.
I didn’t mean to disrespect my food processor before, I really do love it. For turning mundane mince into orgasmic little, creamy centred rissoles my food processor is essential, but my point was if I needed to pick just one household appliance to take to the desert island my mince would be mundane for eternity.
After all this wank talk, before we get onto the food, I do recommend thoroughly washing your hands.
PS Champagne Carolyn, I cannot resist a dare.
Fetta Stuffed Greek Rissoles, with Crispy Cubed Potatoes
What you will need :
For the rissoles –
- 500g lamb mince
- 1 spanish onion
- 3 cloves garlic, peeled
- zest of one lemon
- 1.2 packed cup of mint
- 1 teaspoon dried oregano
- 1 egg
- 100g fetta (I used delish goat’s fetta today) cut into 1cm cubes.
For the potatoes –
- one potato per person, plus one cheeky extra one
- two sprigs fresh rosemary
- olive oil
- salt and pepper
For the salad –
- remainder of the bunch of mint
- 3 tomatoes, cut into eighths
- 2 cucumbers, cut length ways then chopped
- 1 roast capsicum, home grilled or from a jar
- lemon juice
- olive oil
What you will need to do :
Pop your potatoes into a saucepan of boiling water and boil until just tender.
Preheat oven to 200C.
Chop potatoes into cubes and toss with olive oil, salt, pepper and rosemary. Chuck them in, tossing now and then.
Into your for processor toss your spanish onion, garlic, lemon zest, mint and oregano. Wazz it up until it’s a paste. Add it to your mince, chuck in the egg, season well and mix that sucker with your hands.
Taking dessert spoon sized chucks, roll into balls then dig a hole with your thumb. Insert a cube of fetta and close the mince back up over it. Continue until you’re all done.
Toss your salad ingredients onto your serving plate and mix well with lemon juice and olive before serving the rest of your stuff on the platter and chucking it on the table.
Dinner is served.
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