I don’t know how I’ve created this monster. My child is an addict.
It really has just snuck up on me over the last 2 months but this past week has seen nights where Kiki has turned from the sweet, fluffy mogwai gremlin into the rabid, scaly gremlin that will tear apart anything that stands in its path.
Our bed time rituals have been uneventful and nondescript since I broke the back of boobing baby D Man to sleep at 11 months; neither of my chillden have had any sleep aids. I chuck them into bed, sing them a song, give them a kiss, (sometimes flip them the bird as I leave the room) and walk out.
Then they send themselves off into the Land of Nod. By themselves.
On their own.
The past few months Kiki started to make a special sleepy time request… something really sweet.
“Can you pat my bum?”
No idea how it started as I’ve never really been a buttock patterer, but she has a sudden penchant for some rump rubbing to help her settle down for the night.
That is not a problem for me.
I like to pat that perfect little bottom. “I made that bum” I used to think to myself bursting with tiny little rump love.
I must admit I’ve had visions of her going home with a new lover at 22 years old (she’ll be a virgin until then I’m sure) and as they’re drifting off in post coital bliss her throaty voice will pipe –
“Pat my bum.”
As my amazing Sleep Angel once said to me about anything your kid does, “whatever you do to help your child sleep is fine. It’s not a problem until it becomes a problem.”
HOUSTON, WE HAVE A PROBLEM!
She’s gone crazy for the pat. She’s a freakin’ pat junkie.
At 2.5 years old I’m suddenly getting up 500 times a night because she starts coming down from her bedtime hit and she needs another fix.
I’ve tried holding out on her but the anger she shows is fierce. Hearing her sad pleading, which turns into angry demands for one more pat, it truly is like watching someone jonesing for smack.
I know that all it takes is one or two pats, sometimes as little as laying a hand on her thigh, to send her blissfully off but the problem is she’s trying to up her dosage. One pat a night isn’t enough anymore, she requires multiple nocturnal fixes.
I know what we have to do. As her enabler we need to work our a detox plan but in my heart of hearts I know that there is no methadone program for the pat.
The kid needs cold turkey.
I’ll just wait until her hacking cough is gone, there is no cold or conjunctivitis waking her up, no nightmares and the conditions are perfect, and then her goose is cooked.
So, when she’s about 16 I reckon.
Have you had a sleep regression that drives you freakin’ insane??
Share your pain, make me feel better.