My daughter, the addict

October 29, 2014
I made this bum

I made this bum

I don’t know how I’ve created this monster. My child is an addict.

It really has just snuck up on me over the last 2 months but this past week has seen nights where Kiki has turned from the sweet, fluffy mogwai gremlin into the rabid, scaly gremlin that will tear apart anything that stands in its path.

Our bed time rituals have been uneventful and nondescript since I broke the back of boobing baby D Man to sleep at 11 months; neither of my chillden have had any sleep aids. I chuck them into bed, sing them a song, give them a kiss, (sometimes flip them the bird as I leave the room) and walk out.

Then they send themselves off into the Land of Nod. By themselves.

On their own.

The past few months Kiki started to make a special sleepy time request… something really sweet.

“Can you pat my bum?”

No idea how it started as I’ve never really been a buttock patterer, but she has a sudden penchant for some rump rubbing to help her settle down for the night.

That is not a problem for me.

I like to pat that perfect little bottom. “I made that bum” I used to think to myself bursting with tiny little rump love.

I must admit I’ve had visions of her going home with a new lover at 22 years old (she’ll be a virgin until then I’m sure) and as they’re drifting off in post coital bliss her throaty voice will pipe –

“Pat my bum.”


As my amazing Sleep Angel once said to me about anything your kid does, “whatever you do to help your child sleep is fine. It’s not a problem until it becomes a problem.”


She’s gone crazy for the pat. She’s a freakin’ pat junkie.

At 2.5 years old I’m suddenly getting up 500 times a night because she starts coming down from her bedtime hit and she needs another fix.

I’ve tried holding out on her but the anger she shows is fierce. Hearing her sad pleading, which turns into angry demands for one more pat, it truly is like watching someone jonesing for smack.

I know that all it takes is one or two pats, sometimes as little as laying a hand on her thigh, to send her blissfully off but the problem is she’s trying to up her dosage. One pat a night isn’t enough anymore, she requires multiple nocturnal fixes.


my daughter the addict.

Last time I patted I got more than I bargained for.

I know what we have to do. As her enabler we need to work our a detox plan but in my heart of hearts I know that there is no methadone program for the pat.

The kid needs cold turkey.

I’ll just wait until her hacking cough is gone, there is no cold or conjunctivitis waking her up, no nightmares and the conditions are perfect, and then her goose is cooked.

So, when she’s about 16 I reckon.

Have you had a sleep regression that drives you freakin’ insane??

Share your pain, make me feel better.




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  • Reply Jess October 29, 2014 at 11:25 am

    Does she spend any time at child care? The ladies who look after my little man do the bum pat to try and get him to sleep, but I have never done it at home. Perhaps she could have picked it up like that?

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling October 29, 2014 at 1:48 pm

    My husband loves me scratching his head of an evening. And by “scratching” I mean taking a chunk of hair and (gently – supposedly) squeezing it. When we first got together, I used to do it every single night. So basically I set myself up for a lifetime of him giving me the not-so-subtle hint of laying down on the couch with his head in my lap. I blame his mother. She loves it too (though THAT is where I draw the line – we’re not THAT close)!

  • Reply San October 29, 2014 at 6:39 pm

    Aaaaaahhhhhhhhhhh sorry hunny, this will NEVER change. It’s very nurturing and , in a ‘get it where you can sort of way’, I reckon we pursue that nurturing throughout the rest of our lives. We don’t know it until a lover starts patting our cute (in my case) HUGE FATACRE ARSE and one goes, “Yeah baby, THAT’S what I’m talkin’ about”. Did your Mama, Papa, Grandmama or Grandpapa do it to you? Trace the connection.
    I’m 54 and still loving my bottom pats…… I think you MAY have created a monster but hey, it don’t get much cuter than that (unless it’s me across your lap of course ;O)….)

  • Reply Nicole - Seeking Victory October 30, 2014 at 6:28 pm

    I am a bum pat addict. My dad used to fall asleep on the floor next to my cot with his hand up and through the bars. Mum still marvels at how he could be fast asleep but still be doing a rhythmic little pat. If I’m angsty or stressed out and tossing and turning, after hearing this story (thanks mum), my partner occasionally thinks to pat. Stuff Valium, this patting shizzle is the bizzle. That’s bum patting street talk.

    • Reply Danielle October 30, 2014 at 6:32 pm

      God you make me laugh. Thanks for fronting up to your addiction. Admitting it is the first step you know.

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