My head

The users guide to dating a MILF

November 11, 2014
Me on a date. Note : still daylight. Early start because I'm tired.

Me on a date. Note : still daylight. Early start because I’m tired.

Becoming a single mother is one of the most stressful things a woman will ever go through.

Things to consider are children’s wellbeing, work and finances, juggling your ex and their feelings, visitation rights, and general sadness, turmoil and upheaval that is fairly difficult to endure at times.

Another thing a single mothers need to consider is if they would like to get back on the horse. There is no right time for her to do this, it’s a very personal thing, but dating as a single mother, or a MILF as American Pie coined, is not a simple equation.

milf

-mothers, whether married, separated or divorced, that a male individual sees as physically attractive enough to want to have sexual intercourse with them. Just cuz their moms doesn’t mean that they don’t need a spark in their love life. MILFs are usually real careful about birth control, they know accidents happen but they take responsible steps. A MILF is any mother that is sexually desirable.

Thank you, Urban Dictionary. We edited out the bit about erectile nipple tissue and Kegels.

A MILF looks like an unencumbered, single woman, and on a date she may even act like an unencumbered single woman, but there is much more to her than meets the eye. The thing to remember is that a MILF is not like the normal single woman, and there are certain nuances to dating a single mother that one must take into consideration before one embarks on what can ultimately be a beautifully rewarding experience.

We have put together a simple users guide to dating a single mother for the uninitiated to help you navigate the jungle that is Single Mother Dating.

1. Do not set the date too late

MILFS by their nature are tired. Chances are she hasn’t had a good nights sleep in years. She’s been up 10 times the night prior, and she’s run around all day. If want the best out of your MILF don’t be setting a date time after 8pm.

Realistically, she’ll probably need to put the kids to bed before she can venture out but you need to set that date time as early as you can or she’ll be yawning over entree and snoring into her dessert. Forget a goodnight pash.

2. Pace your MILF

She’ll probably be a mixture of nervous and excited and this can lead a MILF to drinking her Mojitos too fast or necking her champagne. We recommend you subtly pace your MILF because chances are, she can’t drink like she used to. Not yet anyway, with a little training she’ll improve but your initial dates require finesse or you’ll end up with a drunken MILF.

That can get messy. Or she may just fall asleep (refer to point 1)

3. Be complimentary

Your MILF may be suffering from lowered self-esteem so, like all women, she would like to be complimented. If you happen to be fortunate enough to make it to 2nd or 3rd base you must seriously remember this point especially if you are her first point of contact after breakup post babies and breast feeding.

She’s wondering if you can tell she’s suckled a piglet for 12 months or pushed watermelons from her vagina.

Say nice things. Always best if you actually mean it. MILFs can smell insincerity, and dirty nappies, a mile away.

4.  Candle light in the bedroom

We recommend this step for a number of reasons. Please refer to point above, but also candle light will hide the bruising of her tender bikini region where she attempted a home wax job because she didn’t have a 5 spare minutes away from the children to seek professional help.

If you do notice anything, do not mention it unless she does.

5. Do not be offended if she leaves mid-meal

Children have an innate sense of timing and her first obligation is her family. If she gets a call from a babysitter one mouthful into her coq au vin and she needs to leave, you pouting like a petulant child will certainly ruin your chances of further dates.

She already has enough sulking in her life.

Offer her a ride home, and reassure you that you understand and you will be patient. And mean it.

 6. Choose your fuzz

The MILF is unused to the rigorous hair removal required for getting back onto the dating scene. In her former life things could slide for a while and it didn’t matter if she got lucky whilst carrying a layer of fuzz because everyone just felt lucky to be there. With time being precious it’s often difficult to get to a salon for regular hair removal so it it best to refer to the Meatloaf song  “Two Outta Three Ain’t Bad.”

If you have two fairly hairless regions then you should count yourself lucky. If you have three then it’s probably your first time getting to see it and she’s out to impress so don’t feel slighted if it slide thereafter.

 users guide to dating a MILF7. Be kind and patient

Your MILF is probably a little tender of heart, cynical of men, and worried about everyone except herself. If you show go slow, show patience and care, make her laugh and feel good, then you may be lucky enough to experience of the joy a MILF has to offer.

 

 

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20 Comments

  • Reply Darrell - Modern Father Online November 11, 2014 at 8:02 am

    I dated a MILF back when I was newly separated from my first wife. But to me she was more MILK (Mum I’d Like to Know) although there was plenty of F to go with that K.

    Speaking on behalf of my gender (because I can AND all men are the same so they MUST all think like me) I would suggest that more of us actually want to have a woman they can get to know and if she’s MILF like, that’s just a bonus.

    My suggestion to single mothers who are back on the dating scene, especially those who don’t want more kids of their own, make sure you find a DILF or DILK because chances are, he already knows these things about mothers.

    • Reply Danielle November 11, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      I love this comment. Naturally, it’s not all about the F. The K is the best bit.

    • Reply Kimberley November 12, 2014 at 9:01 pm

      Best comment ever. Darrell had best watch out though. Empathetic AND a sense of humour. Deadly combo for a MILK. Kx

  • Reply Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel November 11, 2014 at 8:05 am

    This is so me 8 years ago! Don’t worry, relaxation hairy-leg mode will return soon enough. 🙂 xx

    • Reply Danielle November 11, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      Thank god. I’m putting Mr Schick’s kids through school.

  • Reply Zanni Louise November 11, 2014 at 9:06 am

    🙂 I think the same applies for any mother. I long abandoned the “choose your fuzz” diagram. Though I do live on the North Coast, so it’s vaguely acceptable. Even common. x

    • Reply Danielle November 11, 2014 at 5:10 pm

      Long live the Northern Rivers embracing of the fuzz.

  • Reply Jenny November 11, 2014 at 9:56 am

    That was me 6 years ago, and am now settled in a new relationship and can say it does not take long before the hair removal becomes more relaxed once again.

    • Reply Danielle November 11, 2014 at 5:11 pm

      I live in hope x

  • Reply Brenda November 11, 2014 at 9:58 am

    You’re the spunkiest MILF around. x

    • Reply Danielle November 11, 2014 at 5:11 pm

      Thanks, gorgeous xx

  • Reply Kim-Marie, Chief Dreamer at Kimba Likes November 12, 2014 at 9:09 am

    Darrell – you’re a champion! An eloquent one at that.

    Love love love the hair removal diagram. Is it a bit wrong that my two out of three doesn’t include my legs?! I’m wearing trousers for that exact reason today.

    Love love loved this guide. Am forwarding it to any single mamas I know – they’re all MILFs as well as MILKs xxx

  • Reply bigwords November 12, 2014 at 10:20 am

    what a fabulous post x

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling November 12, 2014 at 2:20 pm

    I love this post but I have a question – why are there so many amazing, smart, talented, kind, loving MILFs out there and very few decent dudes to date them?
    I have a posse of gorgeous girlfriends who deserve to find an incredible man, yet there are none to be seen.
    Where, prey tell, do I find these dudes?
    I want to spread my wings as The Ultimate Wingwoman, dammit! …and see my friends find love, of course.

  • Reply Kimberley November 12, 2014 at 9:03 pm

    Grouse post Danielle. (sorry, yes, I did just say grouse). It must be such a fucking minefield out there in the dating world. I’m a bit partial to a decent DILF. I had that term in my novel actually, until a few people pointed out they had no idea what a DILF was. Clearly my beta readers have their head in the sand (or perhaps in something else. 🙂 )

  • Reply Roxanne November 13, 2014 at 3:42 am

    Love the hair removal triangle! LOL.

  • Reply edenland November 15, 2014 at 1:50 pm

    I would totally fuck you and I’m hetero, mostly.

    • Reply Danielle November 15, 2014 at 2:39 pm

      Holy fuck balls, Riley, that’s the best offer I’ve had all week.

  • Reply traci November 16, 2014 at 9:24 pm

    awesome article… just got to get the date in the first place….

  • Reply Nina November 19, 2014 at 1:17 am

    Reading through your comments was a blast lol. I can relate to the early dates, or early everything in my case. A few months ago, I went to a music festival that was super expensive and could have potentially lasted until at least 2am… and I went home at 10pm. Too late for this mama!

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