Death, taxes and wee wee.
All unavoidable, and just as death and taxes can hit you at inopportune moments, so too can the urge to pee.
I was recently speaking to some young ladies and I mentioned something about nocturnal piss-adventures on drunken walks home whereby I’ve had to take a pee in public, such as behind a parked car, or behind a bush under the cover of darkness and they were shocked.
“Haven’t you ever done a wee in public walking home from the pub late at night?”
“You have never done a pee in public, EVER?”
“Yes, once. On a golf course.”
“On a golf course? Behind a tree?”
“No, in the sand trap.”
“Was it dark?”
“No, it was day time.”
“Were you drunk?:
“No, stone cold sober.”
Broad daylight, sober in open view???? See what we are reduced to when the urge arises???
I’ve taken a swazz in a multitude of different places, but I try to keep it all nice and discreet. As shocking as you may find this I adhere to the old adage –
When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go.
I’ve popped together a simple little guide to the fine art of public swazzing so a lady will always maintain her dignity and dry shoes.
1. Choose your public out house wisely
Obviously, your main concern is coverage. Both front and back. If you find yourself perfectly covered behind a beautifully suitable bush and yet there is an entire farm load of chaps tending their goats behind you – as I found in India – then your coverage is fatally flawed.
The best coverage is firstly in the cover of darkness, preferably behind something larger than your arse.
If you are caught short in the day light hours then the second half still rings true. Please beware of said arse dimensions before undergoing public relief.
A cluster of shrubs provide all over coverage, as does tall grass….. which leads me to number 2 (Not actually number twos. Number 2 is not as acceptable on the fly).
2. Beware of snakes or other creatures
We’ve all heard that if you slice open a snake wound and suck the poison out survival is a sure thing, but would you really ask this of your compatriots?
Big ask, my friends. Big. Freaking. Ask.
Instead, stomp loudly and sing as you approach your shrubbery. Then the sound will frighten all critters away before the sight of your rear end descending shocks them into aggressive mode.
3. Leg positioning
This is where ‘The Art’ comes into it. Any old Tom, Dick or Fanny can take a pee but not splashing it on your shoes takes talent.
You need your feet to be slightly wider than hip width in order to direct the wee wee where it needs to go. If your feet are too close together you will experience the splash back.
In sneakers, not so bad, in gold leopard print Havianas, not so great.
4. Manage your flow
Again, the Art of Swazz.
Theoretically, you’ll be busting a bladder before you decide you must do a Commando Pee as you simply cannot wait so your flow will mimic that of a racehorse drinking kegs of beer. You need to maintain a controlled flow to prevent wild splashing, and possible foot flooding, that no amount of splayed feet will avoid.
5. Consider the Shewee
The Shewee is a device that allows a woman to discreetly pee standing up. Favoured by lady truck drivers and private investigators on stake out….according to my private investigator friend who enlightened me to the marvellous piece of ingenuity.
I personally am happy just to squat, and whistle, but we are all unique and wonderful.
6. If all else fails, the adult Pull-Up.
I suggest you resist this option. Don’t be a prude. Liberate your bladder with the breeze on your bare butt.
It’s the way nature intended it.
Tell me, have you ever??
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