My head

The ladies guide to peeing in public.

January 24, 2015

ladies toilet sign

Death, taxes and wee wee.

All unavoidable, and just as death and taxes can hit you at inopportune moments, so too can the urge to pee.

I was recently speaking to some young ladies and I mentioned something about nocturnal piss-adventures on drunken walks home whereby I’ve had to take a pee in public, such as behind a parked car, or behind a bush under the cover of darkness and they were shocked.

“Haven’t you ever done a wee in public walking home from the pub late at night?”

“No!!”

“Never?”

“No!!”

“You have never done a pee in public, EVER?”

“Yes, once. On a golf course.”

“On a golf course? Behind a tree?”

“No, in the sand trap.”

“Was it dark?”

“No, it was day time.”

“Were you drunk?:

“No, stone cold sober.”

Broad daylight, sober in open view???? See what we are reduced to when the urge arises???

I’ve taken a swazz in a multitude of different places, but I try to keep it all nice and discreet. As shocking as you may find this I adhere to the old adage –

When you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go.

I’ve popped together a simple little guide to the fine art of public swazzing so a lady will always maintain her dignity and dry shoes.

1. Choose your public out house wisely

Obviously, your main concern is coverage. Both front and back. If you find yourself perfectly covered behind a beautifully suitable bush and yet there is an entire farm load of chaps tending their goats behind you – as I found in India – then your coverage is fatally flawed.

The best coverage is firstly in the cover of darkness, preferably behind something larger than your arse.

If you are caught short in the day light hours then the second half still rings true. Please beware of said arse dimensions before undergoing public relief.

A cluster of shrubs provide all over coverage, as does tall grass….. which leads me to number 2 (Not actually number twos. Number 2 is not as acceptable on the fly).

Engraved Female urinal

The lady urinal….. too big for the average handbag but doubles as a wine decanter.

2. Beware of snakes or other creatures

We’ve all heard that if you slice open a snake wound and suck the poison out survival is a sure thing, but would you really ask this of your compatriots?

Big ask, my friends. Big. Freaking. Ask.

Instead, stomp loudly and sing as you approach your shrubbery. Then the sound will frighten all critters away before the sight of your rear end descending shocks them into aggressive mode.

3. Leg positioning

This is where ‘The Art’ comes into it. Any old Tom, Dick or Fanny can take a pee but not splashing it on your shoes takes talent.

You need your feet to be slightly wider than hip width in order to direct the wee wee where it needs to go. If your feet are too close together you will experience the splash back.

In sneakers, not so bad, in gold leopard print Havianas, not so great.

4. Manage your flow

Again, the Art of Swazz.

Theoretically, you’ll be busting a bladder before you decide you must do a Commando Pee as you simply cannot wait so your flow will mimic that of a racehorse drinking kegs of beer. You need to maintain a controlled flow to prevent wild splashing, and possible foot flooding, that no amount of splayed feet will avoid.

5. Consider the Shewee

The Shewee is a device that allows a woman to discreetly pee standing up. Favoured by lady truck drivers and private investigators on stake out….according to my private investigator friend who enlightened me to the marvellous piece of ingenuity.

I personally am happy just to squat, and whistle, but we are all unique and wonderful.

shewee_in_trousers

 

6. If all else fails, the adult Pull-Up.

I suggest you resist this option. Don’t be a prude. Liberate your bladder with the breeze on your bare butt.

It’s the way nature intended it.

Tell me, have you ever??

 

 

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18 Comments

  • Reply Glen January 24, 2015 at 8:17 am

    Hoot!! Too many times to remember….who would honestly volunteer to endure that awful agony when there is relief in sight? I like to think I’m a solutions person and I was gobsmacked with admiration that you had the delicate exercise documented , and as usual…articulate and flowing.
    My most memorable event was when I was a child. My family and their friends, were fishing on the bank of the Murray and nature called. My gorgeous Mum scouted a suitable gum tree for me and with her back to me, remained a vigilant sentry, alas ignoring my protests, chiding no-one could see me, hurry up etc. I was understandably traumatised, as she was directing me to wee on a sleeping coiled brown snake. 😉 I organise my own thorough surveillance now!

    • Reply Nicole - Champagne and Chips January 24, 2015 at 5:56 pm

      Oh lordy, sorry I had to butt in (no pun intended). What happened? I’m guessing you didn’t pee on the snake?

    • Reply Danielle January 24, 2015 at 8:14 pm

      Oh my god, yes, that’s exactly what I was talking about!! We’re you traumatized????

      • Reply Glen January 25, 2015 at 3:44 pm

        Fortunately I didn’t pee on the snake (not sure about my nickers) 😉 and the snake didn’t wake up or I’d have been bitten on the butt. My Mum was fast on her feet, although I think she was running on the spot for a nanosecond! I was traumatised at the time, my poor darling Mum was hyperventilating as we were a very long way from a hospital. I remember it vividly….hence the paranoia of shady areas if I’m caught short.

  • Reply Sonia Life Love Hiccups January 24, 2015 at 12:05 pm

    Oh I so HAVE. I used to be pro at it when I was 18.. these days though I would be worried about falling over and into it if you know what I mean lol xx

    • Reply Danielle January 24, 2015 at 8:15 pm

      Yup, balance. That should have been in there.

  • Reply Nicole - Champagne and Chips January 24, 2015 at 5:54 pm

    Yeah, I’m quite proud of my public swazzing (love that word!). I find utes make for excellent cover in urban areas, you just need to position yourself next to a wheel for full street coverage and do a quick scan of the footpath (obviously this only works well at night- did I need to say that?). I also put thought into my wardrobe. A flowing dress provides excellent coverage. If the skirt is quite wide and about knee-height you can effectively create a little pee privacy tent. Also, undies at the knees is best- the bend provided by the squat holds them nicely in place and away from the splash.

    I had heard of the she-wee. My concern is that you really need to be rinsing that thing directly afterwards…

    On adult pull-ups, I have a Pharmacy story to tell: A customer came in to complain about some incontenance pads she had purchased. She had been stuck in traffic and really needed to pee, knowing she had a pad on, she decided to just let go.

    Flooded the car.

    Make sure you check the absorbancy level of those things first. There is a big difference between the absorbancy of a sneeze-insurance pad and the full diaper. Rookie error.

  • Reply Amanda @ Cooker and a Looker January 24, 2015 at 6:55 pm

    Only all the bloody time! These days I tend to save my outdoor whizzing for Fraser Island. The sand drains well and the dingoes make sure you don’t dally.

    • Reply Danielle January 25, 2015 at 7:39 am

      I love that you have a favorite place for going au naturale!

  • Reply Danielle January 24, 2015 at 8:15 pm

    I totes meant to put clothing in there after someone dear to me told me about getting caught out in a jumpsuit. The indignity!!!!

  • Reply Alison January 25, 2015 at 7:29 am

    I am a big fan of the disposable she-wee at music festivals – you can whip in and out without queuing in lines so long you miss the blinking festival.

    And when a girls gotta go…..

    • Reply Danielle January 25, 2015 at 7:38 am

      You’ve she wee’d??? I’m impressed.

  • Reply San January 25, 2015 at 3:11 pm

    Remember that song “I’ve been everywhere man”….. well that about sums it up for me. Australia wide. I have marked my territory like a dog does. I do believe I’ve even lifted my leg!!! However , my story involves my “back bottom” I’m afraid. At the tender age of about 8 or 9, at Carrum beach here in Victoria. Boilingly kinhot day. I was born a water baby and was a good swimmer at a young age. So there I was playing on my lilo when the urge to go came over me BIGTIME and I knew I was going to have to do the deed right there in the water. I swam well away from everyone else and the relief was immediate. Imagine my horror when I learn’t that a) “it floats” and b) the tide was incoming and that “lil’ shit” followed me all the way back to the beach!!! I was mortified :O(

  • Reply Jennifer June January 27, 2015 at 12:25 pm

    I’m pretty sure that if I had to rely on a Shewee, all kinds of bad would ensue. I’m gonna stick to the old fashion way. Squat in(or near) a bush and pray nobody’s looking.

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling January 27, 2015 at 4:53 pm

    Me? Never. But I do recall one time we went to A Day On The Green and one of the girls just ducked down between 2 cars and peed… much to my amusement and my husband’s horror.

    • Reply Danielle January 27, 2015 at 4:55 pm

      Never??? Get out.

  • Reply Mrs H's Guide to Driving Etiquette February 24, 2015 at 7:33 am

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  • Reply Life and Times of a Private Investigator July 28, 2015 at 7:44 am

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