There’s this drawer in my office that I never look in.
Now and then I’ll stuff something away in there but it’s a bit of an abyss and it’s safer to stay out of it.
When we moved to this house three years ago we just picked the whole thing up and transported it, unlike the other things that got culled and sorted.
D Man opened the drawer this morning and pulled an old tag from a wetsuit or something and he asked if he could have it, and I looked down into the open drawer and that thing overcame me.
You know, that moment when you open the linen cupboard that one time and think “Jesus, this is a disgrace. I’m sorting you today, mofo.” and you just pull the whole jing-bang lot out and create some order that last for about 5 minutes, but 5 quietly satisfying minutes.
I asked him to get me a plastic bag from the cupboard entirely devoted to empty plastic bags and I went through the drawer.
There was 10 phone chargers, and earphones, old bills and writing pads filled with notes from jobs I’ve done and illegible chicken scratchings of the greatest ideas ever, and then I came across a pile of photos.
Of my wedding day.
There was a picture of us holding 6 month old D Man and gazing at each other and him and there was so much love in the photo it just opened up a little wound.
“You look like a Princess”, said Kiki, and I remembered how I felt that morning as I put on my lace dress and had my makeup done. I felt like a Princess…
…who liked champagne early in the morning.
A fat tear trailed a hasty escape down my cheek before I could brush it away and D man just looked straight into my eyes for a minute, holding my gaze.
“You both look really beautiful” he said. ” Can I put this with my special things?”
I didn’t look at them all.
I put them into a nice ordered pile and I put them back in the drawer and we’ll all sit down together one day soon and I’ll show them the pictures of the wonderful day that was my wedding.
Maybe I’ll show them the beautiful video made by my special friend and they’ll laugh at us singing “The Time of My Life” as a duet and they’ll say, “you guys are totally ridiculous.”
It’s been almost a year, and my life is reaching a normality, but every now and then a little piece of my marriage pops up and scrapes off some of the scab, revealing the raw nerves beneath.
I’m not sad about the break up any more, I grieved that good and hard already.
I’m sad about the ideals that I had on that day when I put on my Princess costume and said “forever.”
So I’m going to take the kids off to the library and go out for sushi lunch and just keep doing all the things, because life marches on and you can either let it march right past you or you can join the band.
I’m so with the band.
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