My head

Tiny pieces of my marriage

February 5, 2015

marriage

There’s this drawer in my office that I never look in.

Now and then I’ll stuff something away in there but it’s a bit of an abyss and it’s safer to stay out of it.

When we moved to this house three years ago we just picked the whole thing up and transported it, unlike the other things that got culled and sorted.

D Man opened the drawer this morning and pulled an old tag from a wetsuit or something and he asked if he could have it, and I looked down into the open drawer and that thing overcame me.

You know, that moment when you open the linen cupboard that one time and think “Jesus, this is a disgrace. I’m sorting you today, mofo.” and you just pull the whole jing-bang lot out and create some order that last for about 5 minutes, but 5 quietly satisfying minutes.

I asked him to get me a plastic bag from the cupboard entirely devoted to empty plastic bags and I went through the drawer.

There was 10 phone chargers, and earphones, old bills and writing pads filled with notes from jobs I’ve done and illegible chicken scratchings of the greatest ideas ever, and then I came across a pile of photos.

Of my wedding day.

There was a picture of us holding 6 month old D Man and gazing at each other and him and there was so much love in the photo it just opened up a little wound.

“You look like a Princess”, said Kiki, and I remembered how I felt that morning as I put on my lace dress and had my makeup done. I felt like a Princess…

…who liked champagne early in the morning.

A fat tear trailed a hasty escape down my cheek before I could brush it away and D man just looked straight into my eyes for a minute, holding my gaze.

“You both look really beautiful” he said. ” Can I put this with my special things?”

I didn’t look at them all.

I put them into a nice ordered pile and I put them back in the drawer and we’ll all sit down together one day soon and I’ll show them the pictures of the wonderful day that was my wedding.

Our wedding.

Maybe I’ll show them the beautiful video made by my special friend and they’ll laugh at us singing “The Time of My Life” as a duet and they’ll say, “you guys are totally ridiculous.”

It’s been almost a year, and my life is reaching a normality, but every now and then a little piece of my marriage pops up and scrapes off some of the scab, revealing the raw nerves beneath.

I’m not sad about the break up any more, I grieved that good and hard already.

I’m sad about the ideals that I had on that day when I put on my Princess costume and said “forever.”

So I’m going to take the kids off to the library and go out for sushi lunch and just keep doing all the things, because life marches on and you can either let it march right past you or you can join the band.

I’m so with the band.

 

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30 Comments

  • Reply Aleney February 5, 2015 at 10:40 am

    I know that scab all too well. I could never throw the pics away from my first wedding. The fairytale one with the dress, the party and the handsome Prince who turned out to be a toad… an abusive toad at that. It was supposed to be forever and though I don’t regret leaving, I’m still sad that it didn’t end in happily ever after. I mean, what a waste of a totally fabulous frock!
    It’s been 15 years since I left and I too totally joined the band. And dated many, many members of it before settling down with the coolest one! But you know, I’m a bot of a floozy like that.
    Life goes on my sweet. And it is good xx

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:49 pm

      I still haven’t washed my frock. Considering taking the hem up and turning it into a party dress. wasted in the cupboard!

  • Reply Louisa February 5, 2015 at 10:48 am

    Wow D, the way you write! This was so beautiful, and moving and your kids are so, so lucky to have you as their mum! x

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:48 pm

      Thanks Louisa. We all just do our best with parenting. making it up as we go along! xxx

  • Reply Sarah February 5, 2015 at 10:52 am

    That made me tear up especially about D man holding your gaze, saying you both looked beautiful.

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:48 pm

      I know, right? Got me where it counts too.

  • Reply Val February 5, 2015 at 11:13 am

    That definitely made me tear up too. So many great memories of that time. You are right, keep moving forward. Memories will always be there. xx

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:48 pm

      How much fun was it??? Yeah, good memories for sure.xxx

  • Reply Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel February 5, 2015 at 11:18 am

    Dude, that never goes away. I wandered the streets of Fitzroy recently, revisiting old sites of the early days of raising our gorgeous baby girl. The park where we’d play bocce and drink tea from a thermos while she rolled around squeezing toys on a blanket. Our local coffee shop, supermarket…I stook outside our old dilapidated terrace house and let a few fat ones roll as well. Not because I’m sad it’s over – I am so happy with the choices I’ve made – but for the dreams and plans we had back then. Life wasn’t perfect. It was hard, but we tried and we loved each other. It just wasn’t enough. And sometimes it makes me sad. But I tell that now much bigger girl all our funny stories, and I tell her how much I loved her dad and that I still think he’s a fantastic man. And I tell her how happy I am now with the life that I have.

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:47 pm

      you x

  • Reply Natalie February 5, 2015 at 11:37 am

    I know it well too….
    And it’s been 12 months for me too but I am still struggling to join the band.

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:46 pm

      Grab yourself some cymbals, sweetheart. Come aboard with me. xxx

  • Reply Genie February 5, 2015 at 12:19 pm

    Hugs. You are the band.

    • Reply Danielle February 5, 2015 at 1:45 pm

      You know it. xx

  • Reply San February 5, 2015 at 1:50 pm

    Hunny, you are one extraordinary, brave and strong woman, YOU are ‘The Leader of the Band’ and the band is HOT!!!

  • Reply Emily February 5, 2015 at 3:41 pm

    Beautiful. Sad and heartbreaking, but still beautiful. Thanks for sharing. I like that you said that one day you’ll sit down with your boys to look. And I liked even more that you said the word soon. x

  • Reply Kirsty Rice February 5, 2015 at 3:55 pm

    Beautiful. Xx

  • Reply Grace February 5, 2015 at 4:10 pm

    It can knock the wind out of us, when life suddenly doesn’t go the way you had planned. But you’ve done an amazing, AMAZING job of picking yourself up, dusting off the remnants and catching your breath.
    One day at a time, babe x

  • Reply Lauren February 5, 2015 at 4:21 pm

    Beautiful piece. I can totally relate to having ‘time capsule’ drawers that have also moved house with us unopened movie tickets, beer coasters with trivia answers (back before children). A lifetime ago.
    xx

  • Reply Bigwordsblog February 6, 2015 at 7:52 am

    Love you x

    • Reply Danielle February 6, 2015 at 4:09 pm

      Back at ya. X

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling February 6, 2015 at 1:42 pm

    Can I shake your maracas? x

    • Reply Danielle February 6, 2015 at 5:14 pm

      No need to even ask. My maracas are your maracas.

  • Reply Rachele February 6, 2015 at 3:13 pm

    Sitting here with tears pouring down my face. Today I came to the realization my marriage is over and the pain is so immense I can hardly breathe. Thank you for giving me hope

    • Reply Danielle February 6, 2015 at 4:10 pm

      Oh sweetheart, I’m so sorry. Everything is going to be ok. Take very good care of you and be gentle with yourself as you navigate this crazy time. Xxx

  • Reply Vicki @ Knocked Up and Abroad February 6, 2015 at 4:38 pm

    Such a beautifully revealing, honest piece. Thank you x

  • Reply Kate February 7, 2015 at 7:48 am

    Any room for a baton twirler?

    • Reply Danielle February 9, 2015 at 7:41 am

      Right at the front….you betcha

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