I almost entitled this little piece about driving etiquette – “How not to be a douchcanoe on the road” after a fabulous lady named Julia (who is an endless source of mirth of my Facebook page) threw down the term.
I love it, and had to sneak it in.
I’ve been more driving than usual lately and not just any kind of casual ‘go for a ride’ driving either. I’ve been doing ‘take your life into your own hands’ driving across the city in peak hour.
I’ve made a rather astute observation – peak hour really brings out the best in people (insert sarcasm font here).
I’m really flippin’ grateful that I don’t have to do that shit every day because I could really see myself doing a Michael Douglas somewhere on the M1 and would piss off more people than I usually do by causing mass congestion and halting the city as they drone their way to wherever they’re going in such foul moods.
There are many skills one must master when one is learning to drive. Reverse parking, right of way, how to eat sushi with one hand and steer with the other, but I think a really important part of driver educations should be etiquette.
If someone let’s you in, you acknowledge and you wave. Simples.
For me if the other driver obviously does me a kindness then they will receive the Mack Daddy Wave. I will lower my window and give you a Royal-esque cupped wave to ensure you feel the gratitude. My hand is out of the car, they will see the effort I made and they will know that I have acknowledged them with deep gratitude.
If they just tapped their breaks to let me in then they will be the recipient of the Earnest. The earnest is an easier wave to execute but still has sincerity. It is simply a matter of a quick salute into the rear view mirror but it still says ‘Thanks, buddy. You did me a large.”
If I show you a vehicular kindness rest assured I will watch you like a hawk for my wave….. and if none is forthcoming, there is no faster way to brand yourself a dickhead, and you may be in the running for the other kind of wave done with one finger.
I love the sign ‘merge like a zip’. It clears the matter of the merge up nicely in my mind. Have you seen a bloody zip, Sydney?
It’s one for one.
One for ONE.
Do not pretend you can’t see me, speed up and keep looking straight ahead even though my car is practically scraping against yours but you’re not going to back down because you’re a douche bag.
I’m not much of a horn blower. I don’t think of it in time. I often drive past someone and think to myself “I so should have beeped you”, it’s like the smart arse come back I think of 30 seconds too late. I hate that too.
I tend to raise my voice at them, rather pointlessly I dare say because everyone’s windows are up and they’re listening to their car stereo full blast with their boot loaded sub woofer doofing their windows to shattering point.
If someone is not paying attention at the lights, a gentle ‘yo’ with your horn is totally acceptable. A full double hander is a tad excessive.
THE OVERTAKE or UNDERTAKE
You may overtake me at any time, but do not overtake me to then slow down, or lane change like a fricking GP driver on ice. You stress me out.
Also, the undertake. It’s a little known name for a shifty manoeuvre…..Over taking on the outside lane.
It’s just not the done thing. Stick to the rules, dicknose.
The indicator is named thus as it is used for indicating to give your fellow drivers a heads up of what you’re about to do. Non-indicators, or late indicators, suck ten types of dog’s balls. Particularly at intersections and roundabouts.
Research suggests (my own personal experience over my 8 years of driving) that if you are tired, running late for kindy pick up and have a pressing bladder issue you are 27.5 times more likely yell expletives that contain 3 or more swear words, and generally lose your shizzle in traffic.
There are very few activities that are like taking your life into your own hands every time you do them, but let me tell you, every damned time you reach a destination without flipping the bird, dropping an F Bomb or doing a Lleyton, you should congratulate yourself.
Keep snacks in your car to prevent the hangries, hell, keep a She Wee if you have to, but keep your cool people and get to your destination safely.
Did I miss anything? What gives you the schlits?
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