Featured, My head

12 months later

April 13, 2015

12 monthsIt is no secret that breaking up is really quite epically shit.

When you’ve just been dating for a while it is easy to break away with platitudes of ‘it’s not you it’s me’, or ‘I just think we want different things’, but marriage separation is a whole different ball game that sucks monster sized nuts.

You know exactly why it’s ending and there is no way to gloss over it. Your short comings are hashed out, your personality flaws are highlighted and exactly what went wrong is discussed, often in the company of a relationship counsellor who drives you insane with knowing looks and probing questions about said personality flaws.

Ending a marriage is like breaking up on steroids and even fairly amicable separations have whale ass sized sorrow and pain attached to them.

It’s been a tricky couple of years for us, really. The year leading up to the separation was hard for all of us, trying to hold on by our fingernails, trying to talk it all out and change who we are because our pieces didn’t fit, but as you know, we didn’t make it.

And now we’ve been apart for 12 months.

One year.

ONE WHOLE YEAR

At times in the last two years I thought my world was coming to an end, but I have been known to err on the side of the dramatic. I wondered if I would be ok, how I would survive on my own with two kids.

Regardless of my own personal survival, we also needed to survive as co-parents for our children. It hasn’t been an easy road this last 12 months but now I realise that I’m not on my own at all.

At first we were really pissed with each other all the time and conversations were filled with tiptoes on eggshells or straight up animosity. Easy communication seemed like a distant dream.

We did some stuff as a family unit for D Man’s birthday this weekend.

We went for a pizza and cake one night and carb loaded till our top buttons groaned, and the following day we took a trip to the zoo.

The zoo was great. Lions and tigers and (sun) bears, oh my.

The kids loved it and everything just seemed normal and easy and everything was the same. Sharing sandwiches, eating ice creams and cruising the hilly terrain of Taronga- him pushing one whining kid in a pram and me carrying another kid begging for a toy on my aching shoulders.

We looked just like a normal family.

We were just like a normal family… except at the end of the adventure I drove home alone to my house and he took the kids home to his and I got really teary because sometimes life just isn’t how you anticipated and even though you’ve made peace with that fact it still sometimes makes you sad.

It’s a work in progress this separated family business, and although everyone appears to have come through to the other side more or less unscathed, there are still moments where it’s all really raw.

But I think we actually are on the other side.

I think we made it through to the place where civility reigns and friendship can grow and our children can see that we’re intelligent and emotionally balanced individuals who may not have made it as husband and wife, but as their parents we are rock solid.

I don’t think we’ll be tasking a family holiday to Fiji any time soon, but pizza and the zoo felt like a really worthy start.

I’m not bragging and I know every split marriage situation is different, but I will say it feels a whole lot better than the other option which was exhausting. And poo.

Poo in your life is exhausting so a life without poo is really a good thing to aspire to.

 

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25 Comments

  • Reply Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel April 13, 2015 at 7:51 am

    That’s awesome, my friend. I think it took us about a year to start liking each other again too, and now I would class my ex as a close friend. It’s a wonderful situation to be in for so many reasons, but obviously happy children is the big prize. Of course, it takes two willing participants to get over their hurt and damaged egos to move into this phase – which is easier said than done. So glad you two are getting there. xxx

    • Reply Danielle April 13, 2015 at 12:24 pm

      maybe 12 months is the magic lotion so sooth egos.

  • Reply Belinda April 13, 2015 at 9:08 am

    Hi,

    Thanks for sharing your story with us and it is amazing how many times you hear people get on with their ex better than when they were together.

    I am currently going through a very rough patch with my partner of 13 years, football, golf and car racing is more important than me and I am being serious, he would rather spend time on the couch than with me.

    Here’s to bright her days and excitement to see what’s next for you xxx

    • Reply Danielle April 13, 2015 at 12:20 pm

      I’m sorry things are poo for you, and I’m last person to be able to offer advice so I’ll just say I hope those brighter days come your way very soon. x

  • Reply Jody April 13, 2015 at 9:54 am

    Its great that you’re getting to that point. Five years later and my ex is barely civil to me some days and it’s really hard. All I can think of is how it affects the boys because I know they pick up on it. I know they come away thinking its their fault somehow and my heart goes out to them.

    • Reply Danielle April 13, 2015 at 12:23 pm

      All you can do is love the shit out of them and let them know you’re there for them no matter what. Not all exes are created equal, some suck.

  • Reply Fi April 13, 2015 at 10:57 am

    I’m so glad it’s getting easier and that you both are getting better at the whole co-parenting thing. It’s great to know that things can become harmonious after a separation, even if it does take time. You’re doing an amazing job xxx Fi

  • Reply Dorothy April 13, 2015 at 11:12 am

    I’m glad things are working out for you. They don’t always.
    I’m five years post divorce, six years post a traumatic separation and I still have moments of rage and frustration. My ex isn’t in our lives any more and I am grateful for that.

    • Reply Danielle April 13, 2015 at 12:22 pm

      Everyone’s story is different, and I know that although it wasn’t all white picket fences, I’m still lucky in many ways. They say time heals, but it doesn’t always heal completely. I hope you can continue to grow. Some exes suck.

  • Reply Maxabella April 13, 2015 at 1:48 pm

    This is so good to read. It’s the dream outcome after a separation really! I hope you build on this forever. x

  • Reply Kate April 13, 2015 at 1:57 pm

    Thank you for sharing your story with us. It’s rare that you find people who are willing to be open and honest with the going on’s in their life.

  • Reply toddlersplusteemswhilelivingthedream April 13, 2015 at 2:51 pm

    Thanks for sharing your story. It really is so good to hear a story where even though there is the usual poo involved, there can be a result where kids come first.. So many people I’ve know are still holding in to crap 20 years later.

    • Reply Danielle April 13, 2015 at 6:03 pm

      Let it go, let it goooo, sung by a wise prophet, Princess Anna

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling April 13, 2015 at 3:01 pm

    Your kids are incredibly lucky to have 2 loving, caring parents who are trying the very best they can. x

  • Reply raphaela99 April 13, 2015 at 4:52 pm

    All my love is with you. I am in the process and there are so many emotions. xxx

    • Reply Danielle April 13, 2015 at 6:02 pm

      Go gently and be kind to yourself. It’s crappy, no two ways, and I wish you love, strength and grace x

  • Reply Carly Findlay April 13, 2015 at 5:29 pm

    What a beautiful reflection. You’ve come a long way, together-apart. Your kids are so lucky to have you both.

  • Reply Toni @ Finding Myself Young April 14, 2015 at 10:34 am

    I’m glad you have found a way to make it all work for you guys. Marriage separation sucks, divorce sucks, it all sucks really. Luckily I didn’t have kids with my ex-husband {we would’ve if we didn’t have fertility issues} because I don’t think we would’ve been great at the co-parenting thing because we hated each other so much in the end. Glad you guys have been able to work through the animosity to a place where you can get along for the kids sake if nothing else. Having a daughter now I can imagine just how lonely it must feel having a family day out and then going home alone 🙁

  • Reply Sam Stone April 15, 2015 at 9:11 am

    I am so glad to hear this Dani. xo

    • Reply Danielle April 15, 2015 at 5:09 pm

      Been a hard road, but it feels good to be here too.

  • Reply San April 15, 2015 at 4:45 pm

    Amazing post Girlfriend. What I’m hearing is the most wonderful lyric line from one of my favorite songs, “tho’ love may break, it never dies, it changes shape through changing eyes”…. you’ve retained the respect for one another and THAT’S the key… NO respect… NO love. You are both to be applauded – you obviously love your beautiful kids more than life and the difficult times it brings. WELL DONE, you’re SO GROWN-UP!!!

    • Reply Danielle April 15, 2015 at 5:08 pm

      So GROWN UP!!!!

  • Reply Friday Fizz: Malbec Phish Food Cadbury Swirl - Champagne Cartel April 16, 2015 at 8:45 pm

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  • Reply Have A Laugh On Me April 21, 2015 at 9:31 pm

    Oh girl, what a year you’ve had – FARK! But you have survived and you will survive another one, this time with less stools. Big love xxxx

    • Reply Danielle April 23, 2015 at 7:57 pm

      FARK pretty much sums it up. It’s been an awesomely epic year with major highs and lows. And stools. xxx

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