My head

Chocolate. Don’t f*ck with it.

May 12, 2015
Walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, but this is no duck.

Walks like a duck, and talks like a duck, but this is no duck.

Have you seen those healthy people whipping up their own homemade chocolate using cacao, and coconut oil and agave and shit and then they bang on about how delicious it is and how like real chocolate it is?

I have, and I’ve been mighty tempted to make my own chocolate out of all of those expensive, guilt free, ingredients and have some light-on-the-conscience confectionary joy because we all know sometimes I’m a fake try-hard healthy treat chick who really is only trying to deny her own sugar addiction.

I have a number of the requisite ingredients already in my pantry but cacao butter and cacao nibs were going to require I take a second mortgage on the house and I began to wonder if it was truly worth it.

Could it really top my Lindt Dark Sea Salt Caramel (or Sea Salt, or Lime Zest, or, or, or, just Lindt ok?) that I simply toss in my trolley as I rush through the supermarket aisles before my time bomb spawn goes off?

I’ve been toying with the idea for a while and now and again I see a healthy ethno bongo blogger pull out a chocolate something something that once more piques my interest but I’ve always been bit lackadaisical about it, and you know what?

Thank Christ for that because it appears I truly saved myself a ball ache and deep, deep disappointment.

I have had success with the faux treat before. My Wholefood Salt Caramel Slice was the freaking bomb, so I was expecting the chocolate to also be somewhat of a revelation…..

I found a market stall on the weekend of all homemade healthy chocolate and I pounced like a rabid beast. She had different flavours and Lord knows I love options so I had little two little testers and they should have been adequate to set my alarm bells ringing.

The consistency was weird.

Not weird like your neighbour’s creepy uncle, but weird like soft and squidgey. I put it down to the fact that it was kind of sitting in a sunny spot and I was keen because just the night prior I’d been caught short having a Better Call Saul marathon and I fancied a little piece of sweetness upon my tongue. Alas, the cupboard was bare and my tongue was left unsweetened.

I didn’t want that to happen again.

I paid a million dollars for one teensy tiny block, but I didn’t have to put in the hard yards to the experiment so it seemed like a fair compromise.

Dinner was eaten and wine was drunken and the good times were rolling on, so I pulled out my homemade (by someone else) chocolate piece de resistance and I’m afraid to say that it got resisted pretty hard. Debate ensued and the verdict, my friends, was –

Don’t fuck with chocolate.

It’s a treat.

Eat the treat.

Enjoy the treat.

Because a Clayton’s refined sugar free, whale blubber free healthy version will leave you slightly sad and longing that you just bit the bullet and ate the real deal.

Anyway, I have some in the fridge if anyone wants to give it a shot. The kids won’t eat it, and I’m going back to Lindt.

NOTE : 3 hours after I finished writing this I raided the fridge and ate a piece. I liked it better when I was desperate…..but still.


What’s your chocolate of choice?

Have you tried making your own? How was it? 


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  • Reply Gary Lum May 12, 2015 at 7:51 am

    Haha, if the ‘bongo’ players as you put it want it, they can keep it. I’m with you, Lindt balls are my vice.

  • Reply Carolyn @ Champagne Cartel May 12, 2015 at 8:44 am

    Oh yes

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling May 12, 2015 at 10:36 am

    I view chocolate the same way I view Coca-Cola: if I’ve got a craving, I’d much rather indulge in (and enjoy) a little of “the real thing” than overindulge in the fake crap. As for my chocolate of choice, I really can’t go past Whittaker’s hazelnut or coconut chocolate. Mmmmmmmmmm!

  • Reply adamjclements May 12, 2015 at 12:04 pm

    No-one needs ball-ache over chocolate. Recognise chocolate for what it is. Treat food. A sometimes food even. It’s not health food, it’s fun food. I grew up with a diabetic mum, in my house we had carob (I still remember vividly the disappointment of my first piece of sneaked carob, now there’s ball-ache) or diabetic chocolate from the health food store. She didn’t have to try hard to keep that to herself. I fucking love chocolate and can’t leave it alone if it’s in my house. Daughter knows her Easter egg supply will dwindle when she goes to mum’s. The other day I was making dessert, reached for the cooking chocolate and then remembered that I’d eaten it all late one night. Because it was fun!

  • Reply raphaela99 May 12, 2015 at 3:12 pm

    You have to live, and chocolate is a necessity!

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