Health and Wellbeing, My head

Funky cold Mirena

May 22, 2015


It can’t just be me that thinks that all of the options for birth control are fairly unappealing?

Over the years I’ve tried everything.

The pill makes me batshit crazy, the Nuvaring (which no one has ever heard of) make my boobs rock hard and monstrously painful, the diaphragm was kind of successful but there is nothing sexy about spermacide, and condoms….well, everyone hates condoms.

So what is the solution?

80% of my lady friends are using the withdrawal method, which we all know is akin to playing Russian roulette whilst hopping through a minefield.

These women are not stupid, they just don’t really like any of the options out there.

I too have been using this age old way to accidentally fall pregnant and I decided that I really need to take charge of this situation because I need a new baby like I need a third breast right now.

I asked one lady doctor what she used for contraception, thinking that she has all of the information about all of the forms of birth control so she would be a fantastic resource. Alas, no.

She uses the withdrawal method.

A doctor who uses the withdrawal method tells me that I am not silly in thinking that all of the available options are a bit pants.

I now have a new doctor, I switched for unrelated reasons, whom I adore. I spoke very candidly with her recently and we decided the Mirena was the way forward for me. Or shall we call it the final frontier….if this fails, I am farked.

98% of people think it’s awesome, and 2% of people think it was developed by Satan himself and their bodies rejected it with such fury that they have never mentally recovered.

Seems like okay odds.

My doctor was away so I saw another lady doctor at the surgery and she did not instil me with confidence straight away. She seemed kind of hesitant and shaky and these are not desirable qualities in someone about to tinker with your privates.

As I was lying there, pants off and lady bits in the breeze, she gave me a disclaimer to sign to say that I understand that this may all go horribly wrong.

Please sign here.

Jesus wept.

I will spare you the details but after some graphic pushing, pulling, probing and prodding, I left without the Mirena in place.

She put it in, fluffed around a bit and she kind of pulled it out again accidentally, and then when she said she was going to try to reinsert it the two attending nurses (yes, it was a spectator sport) suggested that it was no longer sterile and so that particular device was now kaput.

Can you believe it? What a kerfuffle.

Fairly certain it was due to her being incompetent and not my lack of pelvic floor because I’ve been ‘frunching’ for dear life on my PeriCoach challenge this week.

This being a woman business is kind of sucky at times. I mean, sure, we’re the superior sex for obvious reasons but I don’t see boys getting anti-baby devices shoved in delicate and sensitive little corridors that are being stretched by metal probes.

Anyway, I’m off for another round of corridor violation on monday with my regular doctor and hopefully I will be in the lucky 98% who high five the Mirena as opposed to the 2% who have evil side effects and end up giving up sex or having 500 babies.

Wish me luck.

Do you rate the Mirena?

Have you found the Holy Grail in a contraception that you love? Tell me…. 


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  • Reply ana74x May 22, 2015 at 9:23 am

    Lots of scary stories on the internet about the Mirena, but I guess it’s only the negative stuff that people want to vent about. I had mine for almost five years after having my last child, had no issues and it was all perfectly fine, and when it was time to remove it I was almost forty with four kids and definitely DONE. I then opted for a permanent option and had my fallopian tubes removed, rather than just snipping, clamping, or tying them. I think I just KNEW I would be one of the few where the tubes can find a way back together so I asked to have them removed completely, and I’ve been happy ever since. Good luck with the Mirena, I’m sure it will be fine.

    • Reply Danielle May 22, 2015 at 1:53 pm

      Oh, that’s good feedback. I’ve been getting scared….but it is my last resort so it’s worth a shot. Not quite ready to tie tubes…is there one more baby in me? Dunno, but the option is nice. If I had four however…’re a Super Mum!

  • Reply raphaela99 May 22, 2015 at 9:39 am

    I have heard good things about Mirena. Depo Provera shots are evil and can leave you bleeding constantly. I will be thinking of you Monday sweet!

    • Reply Danielle May 22, 2015 at 1:51 pm

      Yeah, shots of anything freak me out and the implant??? Nah man.

  • Reply kim May 22, 2015 at 10:29 am

    Its a bitch of a process- I did some very girly fainting when they stuck mine in, but I’m still definitely in the 98% awesome camp. Can I blame the fainting on pelvic floor muscles of steel??
    Go you for sucking it up for round two. Once every 5 years… Beats all the other crap options for me.

    • Reply Danielle May 22, 2015 at 1:47 pm

      That’s good news….not the fainting part. Insertion definitely is not super fun.

  • Reply Kelly Monck-Gambrill May 22, 2015 at 7:04 pm

    Had mine put in July last year, had heard some horror stories from friends so was really nervous! Had mine fitted by a gun whilst having my hand held by his nurse who I looked at and said “will this really hurt” she laughs and says it’s already inserted! Best decision after having 4 kids, best of luck for Monday ☺

  • Reply Tess May 22, 2015 at 7:30 pm

    Danielle, can you tell me why your against the Implanon? I’m on the hunt for Contraception for the first time ever. Pill not working so good so was headed the Implanon route over the Mirena. Just curious what your reasons are.

    • Reply Danielle May 23, 2015 at 8:40 pm

      I’ve hear horror stories of them going rogue in the arm, but I know that the hormones would make me nutso. Have you had kids? I think Mirena is better post kids. Chat openly with your doc and whatever you try just make sure you know what to look out for if its not right for you. Or ask your partner if you seem extra psycho!

  • Reply Melinda May 24, 2015 at 3:08 pm

    I love this post because it encapsulates what it is to be a woman- pain, suffering and a pair of tongs.

    I’ve had my mirena in for 3 years now and apart from some incredibly unsavoury discharge (not that discharge is ever, in my opinion, palatable) for about FIVE MONTHS (completely normal apparently WTF???) it has been the best option for me and contraception. I haven’t really had a period for about 2 years which is awesome, but even more awesomer is that I’ve not fallen pregnant. I still PMS, but I’m not hormonal or fat in the Pill kind of way.

    As for the insertion issue, I dogged completely and paid for a full anaesthetic- in my defense the memory of my youngest’s birth was still very fresh in my mind and I just didn’t want to be around for any further intrusion into my vagina that wasn’t going to involve some kind of orgasm. I certainly got the idea from the pamphlet that that would probs not happen 😛

    It sucks that the female generally needs to take control of contraception, but it is also true that we are infinitely smarter. As such, we really need to develop a male mirena.

    Anyway, good luck tomorrow, just think about the end product- an infertile turbo-vajayjay. Enjoy!

  • Reply San May 24, 2015 at 4:03 pm

    Whatever you do don’t get your Mirena mixed up with Macarena or you could end up with a pelvic dance floor that’s bustin’ all the moves – then again that could come in kinda’ handy I guess. Here’s to mincing w/o wincing Girlfriend!!!! Chookas!!!

  • Reply susievenkat June 1, 2015 at 6:30 pm

    Tried diff types of Pill in my early 20s = Absolutely freakin NUTSO. Condoms for early relationship time, then marriage. After 2 kids I was finished and asked for options. Obst suggested Mirena. Had 1st Mirena for 5 yrs then had it replaced 3 yrs ago = so all up 8 years. Discharge for the 1st few months – like constant spotting for me and no period for the best part of 8 years. I’m in the 98% awesome category. I LOVE, LOVE, LOVE not having my period. My life BEGAN when I got my Mirena!

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