My head

Haters gonna hate

June 10, 2015


internet troll

This is not the face of a troll.
pic:Andrew Dunsmore/Rex

For the most part bloggers are placid animals who only bear their claws on the interwebs when they have been wronged by their husbands, the person who makes their coffee, the wine delivery guy and kids that, well, kids are asking for it.

They don’t have many known enemies for they are solitary by nature, and yet a clan not to be fucked with… and the fuckee generally has a smaller audience so should approach with extreme caution.

The biggest predator of the blogger is the troll. 

According to legend trolls live under bridges in slimy waters surviving purely on blog archives and Spam. No wonder they get themselves all worked up in a tizz. Some of my earlier stuff was paltry and the sluggish bowel from existing on tinned meat is enough to give anyone the cranks.

Non bloggers may or may not be aware of a site dedicated to hating on bloggers.

It spans the world and no blogger is safe because this site is like a jolly great cyber bridge for extremist trolls to scurry under, like cockroaches under the fridge, and shoot their forked tongues off  about people they’ve never met. Not that cockroaches have forked tongues, but you get the picture.

I vowed to never look at the site.

All websites inciting hate and ire are disgusting and I cannot fathom who has the time to read and comment about people they don’t know.

I don’t actually don’t have the brain space to care if people I don’t know hate on me, because I’m generally paranoid enough about how the people I actually like perceive me, however I had a trickle of traffic from said site and curiosity prevailed. Like a child watching a horror movie I snuck a peek through fingers poorly splayed over my eyes.

They were fairly tame to me, to be honest, I dodged a bullet….but I kept reading.

I saw them hating on people that I consider to be my friends, either online or in real life. They even attacked one of my friends about the name of her dog.

internet troll

This is more like it.

What kind of bored loser attacks a person about the name of their dog?

Sure, if the dog was called Retard, or Tony Abbott, it’s worthy of inciting ire but anything else is no one’s business. I know that I sometimes hear kid’s names that I think they’ll want to punch their parents for in years to come, but really, in the grand scheme who are we to judge?

I’ve had a few trolls on my blog or socials of late hating on me for really stoopid shit and you know what?

Instead of being mature and turning the other cheek or ignoring them, I’m going to flip them a monster bird.

haters gonna hate

For all of my blog brethren, I salute the trolls. NB My finger isn’t really that huge compared to my head. It’s for effect.

If me using the word vajayjay give you the irits then VAJAYJAY.


When said vajayjay-hater told me to get real I laughed so hard I farted. Then I laughed even harder and peed my pants. I’ve been accused of many things, but fake sure as shit ain’t one of them.

I also note that not everyone thinks the word vagootz is as hilarious as I do, but if you must know the origins – it’s my drag name.

Schvitzy Vagootz.

I say vagina every second word at the moment as I’ve tackled labiaplasty, pelvic floor, painful sex postpartum, menstrual cups and tantric sex all in a matter of weeks so I’m fairly au fait in dropping the V word. Also, my three year old is working out the difference between boys and girls so she’s currently asking people in the supermarket, and at tea parties, if they have a vaginas.

As for the uptight chap who had a crack at me about being an entitled and ungrateful twat, I flip you a double bird.

Walk a mile in my Uggs, Bozo.

They’re a little bit smelly, and a little bit stained where I dropped food on them when I was cooking, but even if you read every damned post I’ve ever written, you still wouldn’t get me. And I’m good with that.

So, haters, whether you think I suck (unless you’re talking about my grammar and I know that sucks balls) or someone else is vapid or frumpy take a look at what you did today out of your comfort zone, because sitting behind your computer hating on people ain’t a hobby or a vocation –

It’s cancer waiting to happen.

Ooh, yeah, how good does a rant feel?


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  • Reply Gary Lum June 10, 2015 at 7:37 am

    It’s a bit sad that there are people to make it their business to criticise people who are trying to help others and provide a little light hearted education. Trolls are just dickheads.

  • Reply Gary Lum June 10, 2015 at 7:38 am

    and….trolls probably don’t get close enough to vajayjay to know what they’re missing lol

  • Reply raphaela99 June 10, 2015 at 9:33 am

    I wish everybody could just be lovely and kind. Then I wouldn’t want to stick my fairy wand where the sun doesn’t shine! Big love to you. xxx

  • Reply Cooker and a Looker June 10, 2015 at 10:31 am

    Tell them to take their vajayjay hating and stick it up their wazoo!

  • Reply adamjclements June 10, 2015 at 11:52 am

    How could anybody hate vajayjay………..?

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:21 am

      Right? Pfff.

  • Reply LanaB June 10, 2015 at 12:10 pm

    You go girl!! Say it as it as and stick it to them. With you all the way. Well said! 🙂

  • Reply Louisa June 10, 2015 at 12:14 pm

    I want to say vajayay now! this is awesome, that site is crap. xx

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling June 10, 2015 at 2:31 pm

    You rock. x

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:20 am

      ditto xxx

  • Reply Michele June 10, 2015 at 6:04 pm

    Hey, at least you worked up some energy and enthusiasm. Bet that felt good afterwards!
    You are of course utterly and totally right – karma will get them.

  • Reply dani @ sand has no home June 10, 2015 at 8:11 pm

    What Sonia said! Oh, and I made your slow cooked lamb in white wine on Sunday night, and it rocked my dinner party. Thank you thank you x

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:20 am

      How good is that lamb? Keep your eye out for my cheat’s pie this week. Another slow cook killer. I love winter food.

  • Reply Melinda June 10, 2015 at 8:31 pm

    Ranty pants are wonderful and need to be worn at times when absolute knuckleheads make stupid knucklehead comments and/or knucklehead decisions. Nice work. Trolls suck.

    And vagootz?! Ha ha ha!! I love it. Can I use that??? 🙂

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:19 am

      Yep, call in your own. And I’ll borrow knucklehead. Straight swap x

  • Reply San June 11, 2015 at 1:29 am

    Well firstly, that pic. of you flipping the enormous bird could become a pin up poster for a lotta’ WOMEN, know what I’m saying hunny? Look I’m sure there’s another “wise” crack in or out there somewhere, ;O), but really, get a life spiteful people cos’ maybe your damaged, and damaged people, unless they’re careful, tend to promote that behaviour and what the world needs now is lurve…….sweet lurve……. don’t like the blog or the people involved i it? shit, don’t subscribe!!!

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:19 am

      I know, right??? I don’t have time to read the shit I love. Why read shit I hate?

  • Reply Zanni Arnot June 11, 2015 at 2:15 pm

    Wow, I can’t believe there is a whole website devoted to nastiness! That is intense! Well, maybe it’s a good thing if the trolls have one big smelly cesspit for the meanness, and leave the other bridges troll free. Surely this website can’t actually make the trollers feel better?

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:18 am

      Can you imagine having the time to devote to something so meaningless? I’m pleased I’m busy doing lovely things.

  • Reply Kim-Marie from Kimba Likes June 11, 2015 at 3:37 pm

    You rock sugar lumps. You and your steel-reinforced vagootz and all.

    • Reply Danielle June 13, 2015 at 11:17 am

      I’ll be making diamonds soon……bring your coal. We can turn it into a party.

  • Reply Maxabella June 17, 2015 at 11:04 pm

    Shake it off, shake it off ooh ooh ooh! x

    PS – that is indeed a very big finger. It would go far.

    • Reply Danielle June 18, 2015 at 9:26 pm

      I sing that song to my kids when they hurt themselves. They don’t think it’s as cool as we do!

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