Health and Wellbeing, My head

Hormones are lying bastards

June 19, 2015

hormones are lying bastardsDid you know that men also experience monthly hormonal fluctuations similar to women? I know, right, who even cares?

I’ve never seen a dude crying to Ed Sheeren whilst folding washing at the dining table.

I’ve also never seen a dude suffer sore swollen cans, or an aching lower back due to impending womb purge, and although I have seen many a man with road rage I don’t think he’d be excused in a court of his peers quite as swiftly as a premenstrual woman who was cut off in traffic while she was racing home as her toddler was in the back yelling she needed to do a poo.

It’s no secret that I rank somewhere on the anxious/crazy scale on a good day but I have to admit to being quite sensitive to monthly hormonal changes. I actually think such drastic changes in personality due to hormones is a monster design flaw but I’m not sure who to take it up with.

Sometimes they are subtle changes altering my tastes in food, or my patience level, and other times they influence my homicidal tendencies and need for anxiety calming herbs (not pot, that makes me paranoid which is not pretty.)

Month to month it’s different and heaven help anyone who suggests that my latest anxiety ridden life crisis is due to hormones because even though I want to punch everyone I see in the face with one hand, whilst shovelling icecream straight from the container into my own face with other, I’m in denial.

Sometimes my women’s issues last merely a few hours before I am relieved by a show of blood in my knicks but other times it can last from ovulation in the middle of my cycle to first day of bleeding after which fortnight my entire social circle begins to wonder if I’ve finally tipped over into the deep pool of neurosis never to return again.

hormones are lying bastards

My latest period was one such epic event, and I questioned my entire existence. The slightest stress on my already loaded plate was emphasised to ginormous, catastrophic, proportions and I was making molls out of mountains, or some such.

I have recently inserted the Mirena so my brain is on high Hormone Alert as I wildly try to ascertain if I’m standard crazy or extra crazy at the moment due to the foreign body I jammed into my nethers in hope of not having to push a not-so-foreign body out.

I don’t suffer in silence either.

I drag my dear ones down into the rabbit hole with me as I spiral into my own weirdness, but those who know me well know that it’s just a matter of time before I declare I’m going to India, then I’ll cry, then I’ll laugh wildly and finally I’ll bleed and everyone can breathe a sigh of relief for a few weeks.

I was texting Champagne Carolyn about trying to work out about my Mirena placebo issue and she responded with –

Chin up, sister girlfriend. Hormones are lying bastards.

How fucking perfect is that?

I told her I loved her and she said it was the hormones talking.

Lucky she wasn’t in the room because I would have punched her in the face with the hand that wasn’t clenching the ice-cream tub.

Anyway, everyone is safe for another couple of weeks, and I’ll be my usual dandy self….unless I’m Mirena Mental. Keep an eye on my tone, will you?

I reckon we’ll all know soon enough.

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  • Reply Glen June 19, 2015 at 7:58 am

    What a way to start the day!! My tummy hurts from raucous laughter…..albeit at your expense honey and safe in the knowledge I am not in striking distance. You are definitely gifted in the skill of language. Your description was flawless. I always thought it would be more sporting if we could snarl, bear our teeth and flatten our ears like a canine…..and I did try but I could never get the ears right. Great post Danielle!!

  • Reply Raphaela June 19, 2015 at 8:09 am

    I hear you! I went into premature menopause at 31 and HRT has saved my sanity. Only problem is that I went to put a new patch on yesterday and I am out! I feel decidedly strange and can’t get a new script until mid next week. Should be an interesting few days! Adjusting to new doses isn’t fun but you will feel better soon. Big hugs. Go easy on yourself, and stay away from aggravating people. X

    • Reply Danielle June 25, 2015 at 2:22 pm

      Oh wow. I think that’s the earliest I’ve heard of. Hormones are tricky little suckers.

  • Reply San June 20, 2015 at 9:15 pm

    You know that one particularly GREAT day within your month???? Well, make the most of it babe.
    PS. My mantra used to be ‘if I don’t bleed tonight somebody else will’!!!

  • Reply Sonia from Sonia Styling June 23, 2015 at 4:01 pm

    OMG, killing myself laughing here over San’s comment: “if I don’t bleed tonight, somebody else will” – GOLD!

    • Reply Danielle June 25, 2015 at 2:20 pm

      San is one hilarious bird.

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