There are few things more infuriatingly annoying than sleeping with a snorer. Whether it’s someone who snuffles like a truffle pig or roars like a rhino, for someone who sleeps as lightly as myself it’s all fairly suffocation worthy.
In fact, there have been occasions where I’ve imagined beating someone to death with a frozen chicken rather than enduring one more cacophonous slumber….of course, when the first rays of dawn gently lit the sky all was forgiven, and no chickens or bed buddies were harmed.
Naturally, I don’t snore.
There has been vicious rumours circulated that if I have a cold I may snuffle suspiciously like a little pink piglet but as far as I’m concerned I’ve never witnessed it so I’ve deemed it utter bollocks.
I’ve mostly been fortunate with bedmates who only snore lightly when sick or two sheets to the wind and can be silenced with a non-subtle shove to roll them over, but this does not mean I’ve never endured an endless night listening to a chronic chainsaw.
Let’s not even talk about sleep apnoea, where the chainsaw is punctuated by silence and you fear your loved one has finally kicked the bucket due to vibrating respiratory structures…. or perhaps as the minutes listening become hours you pray for it.
This guide is for the long-suffering amongst you who is partnered with someone who snores like an elephant in heat.
Get to sleep before them
If you see your slumber buddy stetching and yawning and beginning to look like they are heading for bed you need to hightail like FloJo and get your speedy butt to bed.
First prize is to be catching zeds before the offending snorer falls asleep and begins driving the freight train express.
No one likes to look like Shrek with candy coloured buds sticking out of their earholes, but the secret to getting a modicum of rest when your sleepy partner roars like a sick lion is earplugs.
I can still hear snoring through earplugs, because I’m a ridonkulously light sleeper, but at least they sound like they’re asphyxiating across the hall instead of right next to me.
Gentle roll over
At the first sign of a rumbling snuffle gently roll your truffle pig onto their side where they will resettle and quit the noise if they know what’s good for them.
This only works if your snorer only snores on their back. If you are with a back, side and front snorer I suggest you get a granny flat. Or a divorce.
If the gentle roll is ineffective you need to get serious or you will never catch any shut eye. The trick with the rib jab is wait until they are inhaling and mid-snore elbow them hard in the ribcage. This way, they will have no idea it was you and if they wake up you must feign sleep immediately and plead ignorance if awoken and questioned.
All is fair in love and snore.
Pillow over the head
This can be interpreted in one of two ways. The pillow can go on the snoree’s head to help reinforce the earplugs, or you can put the pillow over the snorer’s head, weighted down with telephone books and tape it with duct tape. Obviously, caution must be used with this method. Don;t get caught out out with a suffocated sleep-mate and duct tape in your bedside drawer. Everyone snores in jail, I’m sure of it.
If all else fails you may need separate rooms, which is fairly bloody awful for your sex life. If you can still hear them from another room, perhaps once a month you should go and stay at a hotel for the weekend and catch up on sleep, watch some pay per view movies and catch up on calorific room service.
Your snorer owes it to you.
PS On a serious note, snoring – big, proper apnoea type snoring- can be dangerous and really affect your health. If you’re waking up exhausted, and you’re driving your partner nuts – go chat to your GP and see if you can sort it out. You’ll feel much better for it.
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