I’m loving Instagram at the moment.
What I’m loving is sharing tiny little snippets of all of the good bits of my life when I look stylish and I’m doing something cool…. or a cartwheel on the beach at dawn – as you do.
Everyone is sharing those good bits, and everything looks beautifully styled and stylish and it’s all just fodder for the eyeballs.
Naturally, I rarely show the shit bits because it’s all part of the fabulous facade. I don’t ever look deathly hungover, or wear ugly comfies, and my kids – and my own – hair is always brushed.
When I wrote 10 Things You’ll Hate About Me and outed myself as being like a revolting teenage boy trapped in a woman’s body I was surprised at how much you loved seeing my disgustingness.
What is wrong with you? You like the fact that I eat the skin on my fingers and I enjoy farting in the enclosed car with my kids in it?
It appears so. And I know why.
Because you have secret disgustingness too. We all have foul habits and bizarre behaviours and that’s what makes us awesome as humans. Most of the time we keep them on the down low or share them only with our nearest who see us picking the skin on our feet as we watch tv (I do that, too. Gross.)
I’m sure many people would like to deny their secret grossness, but I sing it out with pride. Let these 10 more things you’ll hate about me allow you to be at one with your inner feral.
1. I drink from the carton in the fridge, but I get the shits if someone else does
Not only am I disgusting but I have double standards. What a jerk. I don’t drink straight from the milk because I don’t swill milk, but coconut water or juice is a go go.
Just to clarify I don’t swill wine straight from the bottle because I’m far too couth for that. I use a straw.
2. I like to sleep naked with my cat
Before you judge me as a cat abuser it’s a mutually consenting relationship. I sleep nude, and he likes to burrow under the blankets and be the little spoon.
He feels really lovely on my bare skin and mostly it’s platonic and not weird There was one time that he licked me nipple but in his defense I was lactating and he was curious. It never happened again. I swear.
3. I phone people really early in the morning
I just assume that everyone is awake from 6.30 and that it’s kosher to call at 7. Conversely, I won’t call you after 9. Because my mother taught me that that is rude.
4. I’m a late breaker in the car causing my passengers to shit themselves
And then, when they turn to me with white knuckles I say, “Did I hit them? Did I?” and get all defensive.
I’m probably never going to change…..but I will need to change my brake pads regularly apparently.
5. I’m a terrible sport and I sulk when I lose
I hate playing a sport that I’m bad at (read: all team sports and tennis), and if I get roped into it I get the shits because I’m bad at it and I chuck a McEnroe, colourful language and all.
6. I wear my socks more than once
Not my gym socks. I have some standards, but other socks get judged by the sniff test. Yep, I’m a sock sniffer.
7. Anything you say to me is fodder for writing
Even your secrets. I may ask permission, I may not. I’ll try to make you unrecognisable but if you said it to me, it’s fair game.
8. I confiscate the lollies my kids get a kids parties and I secretly eat them
I act all “Sugar is bad, m’kay?” and promise to dole them out in due course, but the truth is they only get a tiny portion and the rest mysteriously disappear….. Into my lying belly.
9. I’m a chronic picker
Blackheads, spots, ingrown hairs on my body, on your body….gross. I find it really satisfying. Always have enjoyed it, always will.
10. I’m intolerant of O.P.Hs
Other people’s habits. In spite of the fact that I fact so many revolting habits of my own, I’m very intolerant when it comes to others. I will call them on it and tell them they’re repulsing and/or annoying.
That makes me a massive douche canoe.
Do you have any unflattering habits? Hit me with them and make me feel better!