My head

Why does it take two hours to leave the house?

January 13, 2016

why does it take two hours to leave the house?Why is it that the kids never sleep in on the weekend, but the second you’re running on a militarily precise clock in order to get to school and work they want to sleep like teenage stoners?

My work day starts at 5.45 in the A.M. I’m mildly considering waking up half an hour earlier to fit in a workout before work, but 5.15am sounds like a time one should be going to bed rather than waking up so it’s a big stretch to convince myself that it would be a fine and grand thing.

So, my alarm which sounds like gentle bells that slap me around the face goes off, and I never press snooze. In fact, I usually wake before the bells which actually sound more like a small animal farting underwater because is attune to my alarm clock and like to give me ten-minute warnings from about 4.30.

Thoughtful beast.

I really hate the snooze button, incidentally. It’s a false economy. The snooze sleep is shit sleep and you feel worse for it….unless that snooze is actually about 457 hours of extra deep REM sleep and you finally catch up that sleep debt you’ve had since 2010.

I get up, put eggs on to boil, or begin the breakfast procedure and then I jump the in the shower like a stealth ninja so as not to wake the kids up.

What? You ask. You just said you don’t want the kids to sleep in on work days……true, but they can’t wake too early either as that’s not in the program. If they wake too early then they’re feral by the time I pick them up from whichever carer has had them on that particular afternoon and the bedtime stretch is as fun as electric shocks to your genitals.

I try to be dressed, makeup done and breaky made by 6.30 because I need to sit with the kids while they eat breakfast otherwise they dick around and it take thrice as long and I find food strewn in random places around the lounge.

I like to connect with the kids and chat over breakfast. It’s a nice way to start they day before we all go our separate ways. This morning’s chat went like this.

“Mum, what’s seck?”
“I don’t know. What is seck?”
“Nooooo, what is sex?”

Three and three-quarter years old…. Here we go.

So, we talked about penises in vaginas, and the intricacies of no one doing a wee during this precarious time. I didn’t mention the greatest peril is farting during an indelicate moment. We chatted over picky plates and banana, cashew, and mango smoothies (WTF am I since NutriBullet gave me one to trial?) and I had to smile at my life.

Those 5.15am crawling, bleary-eyed into bed with my make-up still on albeit smeared down my face days really are such a distant memory.

I also used to take only 15 minutes to get ready to leave the house… maybe half an hour if I was putting in extra, extra effort, like shaving my legs in case I suspected I was going to get laid.

These days I get up at 5.45am to leave the house at 7.45am. That’s two whole freaking hours to get three people fed and dressed. It’s obscene.

Then I do school drop offs, soon to be two schools, before dropping car home and running to catch the train. I have a 2-minute window – TWO MINUTES –  to catch that damned train….today I was busting for a poo after school-run so I dashed into the house for the fastest dump in history. Missed the train.

Missed the train by 30 seconds.

I walk into work, usually 10-15 minutes late, and I invariably look like a disheveled mess, but I pretend to the fresh, young, child-free lasses that I have not just completed an obstacle course in order to be there ALMOST on time.

Have I mentioned I love my job? I bloody do. I’ll even suck up the athletics required to get there.

How long does it take you to get ready in the morning? Tell me… Am I just shit at this???


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  • Reply Nicole - Champagne and Chips January 13, 2016 at 8:05 am

    Oh yikes. You are a superwoman as far as I’m concerned. I have many skills but getting out of bed is not one of them. I stagger out around 7ish, make coffee and a smoothie (NutriBullets are da bomb), faff for a bit (like right now), take my dog for a walk, faff a bit more. Fortunately or perhaps unfortunately my work doesn’t have set hours so I tend to start late and finish late which resets the whole process.

    • Reply Danielle January 16, 2016 at 2:22 pm

      How good are Nutribullets? I’m never going to be a total smoothie convert but it’s actually very handy for loads of other things too.
      I used to faff a lot more….I do love a good faff.

  • Reply San January 13, 2016 at 3:01 pm

    Don’t you just HATE those “panic poos!” They ALWAYS come along at the most inconvenient moments, like when you have a trolley full of groceries and you’re ready to go to the checkout then WHAMMY…. uh oh! You discreetly abandon your trolley in the vegie section and do the “I can feel a Pope’s hat forming” walk to the public loos. I have to say, I have returned to the soopdeedoop on occasions to find my trolley just as I left it. Not good if you’ve got frozen goods tho’! If you can plan ahead, leave them out until the moment’s passed….. so to speak!

    • Reply Danielle January 16, 2016 at 2:24 pm

      Between the kids and I it’s very hard to get through a whole shop without a loo break. They know me now, so they just put my stuff to the side!!

  • Reply raphaela99 January 15, 2016 at 9:49 am

    Hon, I think you are a marvel! Munchkin does home schooling and I work from home and I still get up at dawn to organize us for an 8am start. Days when we are out of the house at 7am , it is rarely worth the bother of sleeping the night before. You are doing an awesome job!

    • Reply Danielle January 16, 2016 at 2:21 pm

      All the balls in the air all in the time….roll up, roll up!! xxx

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