Often, when the kids wake up with their little sleep crinkled faces, and sweet yet sour breath, I’ll ask them if they had any dreams last night.
I love hearing about the things that permeate their sleep.
Sometimes, like yesterday, it was a man riding a really small pony. He wasn’t galloping, apparently, just taking a stroll.
Other times it will be giant spiders or cockroaches.
I wonder if that’s a symptom of living in Australia. I wonder if Dutch kids who live in virtually insect free Holland dream of giant multi-legged critters that steal into your room while you slumber?
I’m one of those people who is fascinated by my dreams. I like to try and work out if it means something or if it’s just some weird throw back to an acid trip because I have some pretty wacky sleepy time adventures like that time I pashed my own mother in a dream in some tricked out Oedipal oddness.
I’m going to tell about the dream I woke up to this morning. If you’re not a dream person, go make yourself a cuppa instead.
I dreamed I had this fish tank.
Not just your run of the mill slightly murky, hanging out on a shelf in the lounge kind of domestic fish tank, but a great big fuck off aquarium type number.
It stood ground to shoulder height, and it was the entire length of the landing in my extremely big house that I’ve never seen before this dream.
There were large fish and small, and it was beautiful. It glowed blue and green and was all shimmery and gorgeous and I loved it. Everyone who saw it was struck by its beauty and it was a source of pride….not like sinful pride that I’d end up dead for in a Brad Pitt movie, just pleasant pride.
So I was going about my everyday life, and this tank was in a major thoroughfare in my home so I was constantly walking past it. One day I looked in and I saw many of the fish were either lying on the little stones on the floor of the tank struggling to breathe and others were just generally failing to thrive.
I realised I had forgotten to feed them for…..God, how long?
I’d let the top grow over with something indiscernible and no air could get in, I was killing my beautiful tank just through sheer neglect.
I broke through the scum on top with my hands, and I put some food in, and slowly many of the fish began to move towards the air and the food (I do realise that fish actually breathe using highly efficient gills and shit, but this is a dream remember?) and I realised that I must never take my surroundings for granted.
I had walked past and seen the fish tank 10 times a day but I had stopping really SEEING it.
Obviously because I’m not some kind of wacky dream deciphering guru I don’t really know exactly what it’s about but it’s a pretty metaphor for life.
We stop seeing the stuff around us.
I’ve been trying to decide if I keep this blog or let it go.
Before I was putting a lot of pressure on myself to write a ProBlogger type of blog….. If you’re unfamiliar with what that is it’s the blog that turns into multiple streams of income and products and podcasts, and webinars, and funnelled email campaigns that draw more and more readers until you’re a stratospheric online God.
Simple, right? Except I don’t really have products to sell, shtick to teach in Webinars, or even a proper niche for that matter.
I tried to get my head around it and as I got busier with work at The Weekly and juggling freelance stuff, the blog- which makes me the least money- had to move down the rungs because, you know, mouths to feed and shit, and I realised that I probably was never going to be that successfully monetised blogger.
Once upon a time, I just wrote what I was thinking. It didn’t have to be helpful to my readers or heart wrenching. Or inspirational. It was just the minutiae of my rather ordinary yet strangely extraordinary life.
That’s how I first started. Stream of self-absorbed, slightly left field, but at times deep, thought.
And I loved blogging.
Times have changed and I have changed and I’ve realised that this blog will never that mega blog.
Maybe I don’t need to give up the entity which I still see as the mothership that created all of these other opportunities I’m now reaping…. Maybe I just need to give up the idea that the blog needs to be anything other than exactly what it is and not take that, or what we’ve built here for granted.