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Almost Brittany

July 19, 2016

almost brittany

A fair portion of my life was spent desperately wanting to be an actor. In highschool I was a massive drama nerd, and my after school drama class is still one of the best memories of my teens. My drama teacher, Lyn, had a profound effect on my teenage years when shit was cyclonic and my mum got sick.

I left home at 16 to move to Sydney and go to drama school but after 12 months I got a little distracted by boys and booze and I dropped out… anyway, eventually, after travelling around the world for a couple of years I decided to go back to drama school.

I loved it, it was Fame crossed with Glee (except I’m a shit singer) and I spent my days learning lines and a few days a week I went and pulled all of the pieces of myself apart so I would better be able to be someone else.

I got a few little bit parts here and there and my biggest claim to fame was when two B-grade shows I was in (Water Rats and Fat Pizza) had re-runs on the same day so I was on telly twice in the same day. Yep, that was the highlight.

The lowlights were fairly low with hefty rejections due to being deemed too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too brunette or most likely too desperate for a job. I auditioned for Muriel’s Wedding but was too young, and The Beach but was too likely to be all stalkery and slobbery over Leonardo Di Caprio.

I survived by working bars.

One day I was called to audition to be a Disney channel host. I was tres excited. There were 200 girls in the first round where you just went in and had a chat to the camera and meet the peeps, and basically tried not to do anything ridiculous on camera or pee your pants.

The second round, or call back, was where things got juicy. You needed to learn a whole segment on dinosaurs or some shit, and I practiced those lines as if my life depended on it. I referenced all those years of watching Wombat, and other kids shows and was the epitome of KIDS HOST.

Apparently, I actually was too because suddenly it was down to myself and one other girl. I had never wanted anything so badly in my life. I knew that ‘being Disney’ would mean that I probably couldn’t tip out of nightclubs at 7am any longer but I was prepared to hang up my leather bra and hot pants in order to be the Disney girl.

I was even prepared to risk one-day wearing double denim with my boyfriend if that’s what Disney wanted. I would become Disney. I would have got Minnie Mouse tattooed on my arse if I thought it would make a difference. I guess I should be grateful now I never went that extra mile and so my cheeks are as Disney-free as the day they were born.

almost brittany

Alas, it was not to be because the short, cute, little blonde girl got the role and I never more lamented being the buxom tall chick as my Disney dreams flew out the windows like a zippidee-doo-dah blue bird.

Anyway, I gave up acting at 27 when I realised that I really hated working in hospitality because I had used up all of my hospitable and that was pretty much how my acting career would probably look unless I hit the big leagues.

This weekend just gone, I shot three fitness videos and three “healthier kids party recipes” for Bupa which was actually most excellent. Unlike all of the Holsbys TV stuff I actually had a proper type someone holding a proper type camera saying “action” and “cut” and stuff….

As I was standing in my kitchen trying to remember my line I was reminded of the day I walked into the Disney studios with my heart hammering a cacophony in my chest.

I shared with everyone about the time I was almost Brittany and we agreed that I would have been an awesome kid’s show host because the biggest pre-requisite is that you never grow up. I seem to have that part nailed.

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