My head

An obituary for the dearly departed

February 21, 2017

obituaryIt is with great sorrow that the Holsbys announce the passing of their beloved dishwasher.

It was only when it recently became ill that it was discovered what a long and fruitful life it had lived.  The poor thing was violently coughing out every one of its 15 years in the end. Apparently, it was home to creatures big and small during its life as evidenced by the repair man who cost a million dollars to tell them it was terminally ill with only days to live.

It was a faithful dishwasher, who saw many dinner parties and never shied from manky caked on food the morning after. It was as gentle with crystal whiskey glasses as it was tough on dried egg yolk, except that one time but the family realised it was not your fault but the fault of the ham-fisted lazy ass packer who shoved it into a too small slot because washing crystal by hand seemed too hard.

It was always forgiving when children placed toothbrushes, Megablocks or the cat inside, and never complained when it was overloaded to the shithouse because two loads was just a pain in the ring-hole.

It is only now, in its absence, that the family realise that two loads in that trusty steed was far better than washing up by hand fifteen times a day as the family are messy pigs who eat all the damned time, insisting on clean plates regularly.

A replacement will be found in time. Not due to needing time to get over their loss, but due to the fact that the inconsiderate bastard died on a Sunday night which is terribly inconvenient. To fill the considerable gap in their hearts the family would happily buy online immediately and replace their loved one in a jiffy, however as a mark of respect they will go into the shop and touch the drawers and doors of the new model to ensure it is totally more ace that the deceased.

The children have been heard crying “I don’t want to rinse my plate,” and the grown-ups have been heard gently dropping F-bombs under their breath every time they try to see if there is one last gasp left in the deceased. Alas, the entire house keeps short-circuiting because they are struggling to just admit it is gone.

A funeral service will be help at the Holsbys Bar and Grill on the weekend, please bring your own dishwashing gloves.

broken dishwasher

A eugoogly from Danielle

It was not until you left us that I realised how important you were in our lives. I think of the late nights we sat up together. Me, loading and unloading through whiskey soaked eyes, and you never complaining or groaning.

You were beside me as I kitchen danced in my underwear, and you have never told anyone if I had rumpy on the counter. You’ve been drawn on by babies, thrown up in front off by the cat, and well, everyone else really, and watched quietly all of the family drama that goes on in a kitchen.

You’ve seen husband’s come and go, and you’ve seen….well, enough of that.

You were a good dishwasher, and you will be missed until you’re replaced by wizz bang substitute as soon as humanly possible. I can’t believe you’ve left us without so much as a goodbye.

Bastard.

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4 Comments

  • Reply Gary Lum February 22, 2017 at 7:39 am

    We never had a dishwasher when I was a kid. Mum had three sons. I’m the eldest. I had the privilege of washing. Next dried, last put away. Hated every minute of it. When I left home, I’m so glad I could have a dishwasher.

    • Reply Danielle February 22, 2017 at 7:44 am

      Me either! We’d fight over the washing and drying. Drying up suck seven harder than washing up.
      This is the first time in my whole life I’ve had one… I love it so much washing up is for chumps 🙂

      • Reply Gary Lum February 22, 2017 at 7:46 am

        Bloody tea towels getting soaked and smelling bad. I love being an adult 🤣
        I run my dishwasher on a fast low water cycle and I reckon I use less water than if I was washing manually.

  • Reply Kooky Chic February 23, 2017 at 8:55 am

    Oh I do sympathize. We moved three months ago to a tiny of the grid house, which is great but it doesn’t have a dishwasher. The kids thought stacking and emptying the dishwasher was tough, they had no frigging idea how bad it could be. We are building another house which will have a dishwasher but for now, it’s ear muffs and booze until the dishes are done every night.

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