My head

When you’re a terrifying premenstrual monster

May 1, 2017

premenstrual monster
I never used to really get PMS. Maybe a bit of a sore boob, or a little extra teary but not this. This is next level psycho shit.

These days it starts about two days after I lay an egg and continues right the way through, leaving a trail of destruction and weepy apologies in its path. It’s bloating, it’s monster cans no one can touch because a) they hurt and b) get the hell away from me, all served with a great big jar of don’t fuck with me.

What manner of design flaw is this?

As if having to push a watermelon out of your vagootz to propagate the human race is not insanity enough, you have to suffer for 40 years for the privilege.

Often, these monster irrits are directed with laser-like beams at my partner because he’s annoying and often asking for it. An inability to read my mind, domestic blindness, chewing too loudly, you know the stuff I mean.

In fact, the audible chewing is usually the giveaway that tips me off that I’m on a one-way train to Psychoville. Usually, I can’t hear a single jot of mastication but suddenly the bursting hormones give me hyper-sensitive hearing. I can hear a bite of toast from 30 paces and don’t even think about slurping a coffee in the next room.

My poor man lives on egg shells for a solid week and although sometimes I’m sure he’d love to crack up laughing at my irrationality, he also cherishes his knackers too much to let that shit happen. So, more often than not he sweetly nods and tries to weather the storm whilst always holding a protective hand over his jewels.

The kids cop a fair whack of it too. I mean, they can be profoundly annoying when you’re not jacked to the eyeballs with crazy hormone juice. Add some not putting shoes on in a timely fashion, arsing around at dinner and incessant bickering and Mama is a ticking time bomb just waiting to yell until the neighbour’s windows rattle.

This is not a situation that is unique to me, there are squillions of monthly psychos out there. It really is amazing that there aren’t more homicides by women using the monthlies as their defense.

We make lots of jokes about PMS and stuff but what we don’t hear about that much is that it feels really shit from the inside too.

You know that realistically you’re picking at minuscule scabs turning them into sores or behaving like a raving lunatic but you simply cannot help it. The words are out of your wicked mouth before you have time to control them. PMS actually stands for Petulant Mouth Syndrome.

Also, everyone must remember that your anger and irritability is COMPLETELY JUSTIFIED. It is not merely PMS induced psychosis. It’s that PMS has taken away your coping mechanisms of ignoring all the shit that drives you wild.

Do not, I repeat, do not ever suggest that I am just PMSing. Well, not if you like your face arranged in its current shape or no spit in your food.

Take Evening Primrose, they say. It really balances your system. WTF? There is not enough Evening Primrose in the world to calm these screwball emotions. I tried mega dosage, slow release Vitamin B that cost the national debt to purchase at the fancy “wellness” store.

When did it stop being a health food shop and start being a “wellness” store, by the way? Probably when we stopped simply “calling” each other and started “reaching out.”

Anyway, I reached out to the wellness store and they told me what I needed so I thought we’d have this little issue sorted poste-haste. Alas, I did not note an iota of difference, except daily fluorescent pee that would light up a disco (or at least a darkened spin class which is as close to a nightclub as I get these days.)

So really, this is it for the next 10 or so years. Every month we batten down the hatches and pray for blood. When the river finally runs the tide turns, if you catch my drift, and everyone can breathe easy for another two weeks or so.

Luckily, I’m pretty sweet natured the rest of the time so I guess really if you’re someone who loves scary roller-coaster at theme parks, we’re going to get along fine. My body is a Wonderland.




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  • Reply Glen May 1, 2017 at 12:03 pm

    Oh how I needed that!! You have such an awesome gift of satiric communication and interpretation. I literally can’t breathe for laughing. I’m truly sorry it’s at your expense Danielle, but that incredible post conjured up the most vivid imagery worthy of a pilot for a series.
    Thank you for your incredible command of the English language, that is truly one of the funniest pieces I’ve ever read. You are so brilliant!! Thank you for all the endorphins firing, this will come in waves for weeks. I so needed that. Hilarious!!

    • Reply Danielle May 1, 2017 at 1:09 pm

      I’m not trying to be funny. This was a serious post. You’re twisted 😉
      snogs x

      • Reply Glen May 1, 2017 at 1:43 pm

        Sorry,I know I’m twisted lol…. I have clear memories where your brain is going beyond the speed of light and you can’t process the signals fast enough to your mouth, and ultimately sound like you have someone else’s teeth xx

  • Reply Kate May 1, 2017 at 12:38 pm

    Go to your GP, while you have PMS and say “I don’t want to do this anymore”. They can be very helpfu. It’s more optional than people realise we have been conditioned to put up with it.

    • Reply Danielle May 1, 2017 at 1:08 pm

      She is the one who suggested Evening Primrose. I can’t take any contraception with hormones in it either to change up the balance. There is one drug for PMDD that is a mild anti-depressant I think. Did you go? What did they say?

  • Reply San May 1, 2017 at 1:32 pm

    Like I always said pre-hysterectomy…. “If I don’t bleed tonight, somebody else will!!!” A possible t-shirt slogan come warning sign perhaps, just to let em’ know DON’T MESS WITH THIS LIL’ BLACK DUCK IF’N YA’ KNOW WHAT’S GOOD FOR YA!!!

    • Reply Danielle May 1, 2017 at 6:42 pm

      That tee will be a winner… might stock them in my blog shop!

      • Reply San May 1, 2017 at 7:17 pm

        Commission cheap @ 30% hunny!!! :O) Luvya’ you gorgeous beastie you…..

        • Reply San May 2, 2017 at 11:17 am

          Here’s another one for ya’….. “Got the painters in…” (painters obviously in red perhaps on a “surfboard” background???) I’m here all week :O)

  • Reply Susie May 1, 2017 at 5:31 pm

    I haven’t read it myself – but heard good things about Lara Briden’s book ‘Period Repair Manual’. It’s about changing up your hormones to have a ‘more suitable’ period. Also – not the GP, but a naturopath or nutritionist – hormones are their stock-in-trade! From a nutritionist’s perspective – your rollercoaster SHOULD be able to be evened out a bit more.
    My goodness you describe the hormone rollercoaster exquisitely, though!

    • Reply Danielle May 1, 2017 at 6:41 pm

      I actually have a fab naturopath. That’s a good idea. I’ll look into diet too…for the safety of others! Please you enjoyed it x

  • Reply Dani May 1, 2017 at 7:22 pm

    OMG that is so me every month! Yes it sounds funny the way you write it but goodness me I’m really losing it sometimes. If anyone finds something that helps please let me know.
    I think my family wants to kill me some days 😁

    • Reply Danielle May 29, 2017 at 2:18 pm

      Hey Dani, so I’ve heard of people trying “Happy Herbs” or something specific for PMDD. I think they have an FB page or google them. Also, see your GP. I’ve been writing about it and researching it, and there are options out there.

  • Reply Jess May 1, 2017 at 8:34 pm

    God women copped the shitty end of the stick when it came to the body department!!! I am in the same boat as you – never really considered myself one to suffer from PMS & then was on the pill for basically 10yrs straight so I think I bypassed it, but since I have had kids (and stayed off the pill) I have become a psychopath at the same time you described!! It took me ages to figure out that my “savage days” were part of a cycle & now I actually feel as though I go into some kind of state of depression every month 😫 Interesting that EPO did nothing for you, I was only thinking the other day that I need to try something to alleviate it. Good luck lady, I’m here with you & the others in (rage-fuelled) solidarity.

  • Reply Susie May 29, 2017 at 3:24 pm

    Ok – I’m at college – still learning (nutrition) – but we covered hormone imbalance [due to peri-menopause] today. A few “natural” suggestions: try sage tea; try covering some coriander seeds in boiling water, soak overnight, drain and drink the next morning – (that one’s actually for hot flushes – but I figure it can’t hurt); Vitex agnus-castus – which is a heavy-hitter in terms of PMS; maca – those two you’d have to look into and run past an integrative doctor or naturopath. Personally I’ve found that a 10min morning walk out in the sunshine lifts the fog of depression a little – something to do with circadian rhythms. This is all served with a big “I’m-still-a-student-so-not-qualified-to-give-out-advice”.

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